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A Book That Made Me Mad...

While I do my best to pen a "spoiler free" review of the newest (and hopefully last) Pirates of the Caribbean film... I thought I would give you a re-print of my All Star Batman and Robin review as found on The Legion of Doom... Gonna' make you pop on over if you want my Ultimates 2 #13 review...

All Star Batman and Robin #5

What in the name of all that is pure and holy happened to Frank Miller?

Does anyone remember when Frank Miller wrote good comics? With the exception of 300, I can’t think of anything out of the Miller camp that didn’t feel like a massive slap in the face to all comic fans. I know that makes me a pariah among my fellow comic book readers, but I just can’t bring myself to take anything from Frank Miller seriously. I’ve tried to tell myself that Frank’s obvious hatred of the superhero genre is simply an attempt at pop culture deconstruction. However, after reading the painfully late and appropriately nicknamed, ASSBAR #5, I must change my mind. Frank Miller flat out hates anything in spandex or a cape… Even more so if said character has the XX Chromosome.

This issue is more than painful. It is insulting.

Perhaps I am being too hard on Frank Miller. Perhaps my own love of Batman as a character and cultural icon is tainting my review. To be fair, I have a very definitive set of rules regarding Batman. How he should talk, how he should act, how he treats thugs, and how he treats friends. Not saying I am against an alternative viewpoint of the Dark Knight, in fact, I find well-thought out analysis interesting. However, Frank Miller’s treatment of Batman (and the other DC icons within this book) is insulting. Okay, let me do my best to step off my soapbox and actually review this sucker…

Opening with Gale Wonder Woman, the verbal style of ASSBAR #5 is set. Wonder Woman is disgusting with man’s world, disgusted by men that are nothing but “sperm banks”. Frank’s treatment of Wonder Woman is his first salvo in his attack on the superhero genre. She is a spoiled aristocrat. She hates all men. She believes herself better then all men… Wonder Woman’s outlook on men gains support when Plastic Man, in the form of a fire hydrant all but asks for the Golden Disciple from the Amazon warrior. I guess if a member of the Justice League asked me to piss on them, I wouldn’t hold them in very high regard either. However, all her strength and bravado are brought to task with a simply bellow from the Man of Steel. Falling into Superman’s arms, Wonder Woman partakes in a deep and passionate kiss. That is the lesson kids. If a woman gets uppity with you, you need to knock her down a few pegs, slip her the tongue, give her a good squeeze, and tell her to step back. I’m also not going to into the bizarre connection between Wonder Woman and her passionate lust for the “Zeus like” Superman. (The little princess came from clay, but daddy Zeus gave her life. Read into that what you will). Oh, and somewhere between the adolescent sexuality of Plastic Man, the impotent Green Lantern, and the creepy Superman / Wonder Woman lust; this new “Justice League” decides to catch and imprison the Bat-Man. (Well, the weak men want to turn Bruce in, Wonder Woman just wants to break his neck, Maxwell Lord style).

Cut to the Goddamn Batman leaping and laughing over the Gotham rooftops.

This is not the Batman I know and love, hell; this Batman isn’t familiar to anyone. Okay, I can deal with that, at least in concept. The whole point of the All Star Series is re-introduction of DC Icon’s to a new audience, an answer to Marvel’s Ultimate line. As much as I am not a fan of re-imagining, the creation of a new line of comics works when the core of the character remains. Read, Grant Morrison’s fantastic run on All Star Superman. (Which makes me wonder why his run on Batman is so terrible, but that is a whole other rant). Therefore, a re-imagined Batman and Robin can work, as long as you remember Batman’s core character. Batman wants justice in an unjust world. Batman wants to make sure that no child ever stands over his or her dead parents. Although he strikes from darkness and fear, Batman wants to make the world a better place.

Batman is not out for revenge. Batman takes no pleasure in the pain he delivers.

Not so with Frank Miller’s Goddamn Batman. This Batman laughs like an insane killer clown as he leaps upon the murders and rapists of Gotham. Yes, these disgusting criminals need punishing. However, Frank Miller’s Goddamn Batman takes a visceral pleasure in pummeling the thugs within an inch of their lives. This Batman doesn’t really care if the people he trashes live or die once he leaps away. Yes, The Dark Knight uses pain to strike fear into the hearts of criminals. But, there is a line. A line Batman will never cross. The line that makes him no different from those he brings down. While killing isn’t shown in ASSBAR #5, it is implied that Frank Miller’s Goddamn Batman wouldn’t mind if his endless punches to the face brought death. This isn’t my Batman. This shouldn’t be anyone’s Batman. I try hard not to tell people what they should and should not read. Well, this time I am. Don’t read this book. This isn’t Batman. Period.

Also, Frank, could you find some new dialogue please?

“A hunter’s night”. Do you know how many books Frank Miller has used that completely tired line? Here, I’ll help… Marvel Team-Up Annual #4, Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, A Dame to Kill For, That Yellow Bastard, The Hard Goodbye, 300, That Dark Knight Strikes Again, and finally, All Star Batman and Robin. Notice a trend here? Okay Frank, we get it… All of your characters have a primal desire to stalk, hunt, and kill. Fine, point made. Please move on. You aren’t the Hemingway of comics anymore. Please Frank, it is obvious your heart isn’t in comics anymore. You’ve done some fantastic things for the medium. You really and truly have and for that, the comic book industry thanks you. However, it is clear your heart is in film now. Let comics go. Let us remember good Frank Miller. Not the sadist we’re reading right now.

I know I should comment on the art, but, I just can’t bring myself to devote any more attention to this book. Jim Lee is Jim Lee. Although even his work feels dull in ASSBAR #5. This isn’t the Jim Lee that cut loose in Hush. Maybe this is what happens when you take a year to complete one friggen issue… You forget how your characters look and how they act.

And, as if my above review doesn't give you the full understanding of my contempt for this book... Let me give you another fact... This was the first comic that I ever, ever cut up to make image scans...

And it is a Batman comic...

Damn, I never thought this day would come.