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Top-5 Post Final Crisis Wishes

Well, in week or so we comic readers get DC, Grant Morrison, and Dan DiDio’s long-promised “final” Final Crisis. (Honest, last one. No, really). I find myself wondering just what that mad Scotsman has planned for my favorite heroes and villains. With all these rumors of a dead Batman (forget that he is promoted in books months after FC and that wacky Dark Knight movie coming out), some Extra New New Gods, an absorbsion of The Bleed, and that bitch’n Authority ship that looks like a Dobermans nose. (I will avoid my own personal and very pubescent fantasy of Oracle and The Engineer getting it on). His hit or miss status on the current run of Batman not withstanding; I have faith in Grant Morrison. Sure, he’s a whacked out, peyote smoking, Absinthe drinking chaos mage with an Alister Crowley fetish, but he is also one hell of a writer*. He is also one of the few “500-pound Gorillas” in the comic book industry. Not many can tell bigwigs to get bent and keep their job. Then again, when Grant blows it, he blows it big! Still, I trust that mad genius (mainly because he seems to actually respect his fans, even when cameras aren’t rolling). Anyway, I’m rambling when I should get to the point of this here entry. Here now are my Top-5 Post Final Crisis requests… Since I know, he hasn’t actually finished the damn thing, that mad-bald genius!

Number 5 – Give Tim Drake (Robin) a Friggen Break!

Dang, this poor character has had the crappiest half-decade of any character in comicdom. Various retconning of other characters aside, can you think of a single character in the DCU that had so much piled on? Let us count the past few years: 1st Girlfriend, killed. 3rd Girlfriend, the Spoiler also killed (after getting tortured and ignored by a pacifist that loved all living things). Father, whacked by Captain Boomerang (that hurts on multiple levels). Superboy, his best friend, Superboy-Primed into death. 2nd girlfriend found dead, a couple of times. Other close friend (ol Bart Allen), pummeled into non-existence. None of this takes into account the crap Tim Drake went through on his road to become Robin. It cost him his mother and crippled his father. Now, DC and Grant Morrison are dropping hints about the pending death of Bruce Wayne. Look, the difficulty of maintaining fans after Bruce’s death not withstanding, could you just lay off poor Tim Drake. Sheesh, in comic book time, Bruce just legally adopted the poor kid. Give him a break. Just let Chuck Dixon run his life and leave him be. You can frag his life up in a few years. Please?

Number 4 - …And Speaking of Deaths…

Please stop the wholesale slaughter of any character you can’t make any sense over. Just because no one heard of General Totally Awesome from the 1960s doesn’t mean you need to drag said character out from the history books… Only to beat him senseless, followed by a rather graphic disembowelment. Look, I understand that within world of comics these heroes fight dastardly villains and bad things happen, but you don’t need it to every other issue. I also understand that every major comic book company wants to create the next Battlestar Galactica in terms of soul-breaking bleakness. However, I (along with many fans) read comics to escape the awfulness that is our modern times. I don’t need to see it happening in my weekly floppies as well. I already know some rather classic and beloved characters are on the chopping block within Final Crisis. Ain’t nothing I can do about that. Still, could we pull back the killing to truly epic events. If a hero needs to lay down their life, make it matter. Don’t make it as a result of a teenaged Alternate Universe Kryptonian punk.

Number 4.5 – Also, I Want Spoiler Back!

Screw giving Stephanie Brown a memorial in the Batcave. Didio has already decided that it ain’t gonna happen. In fact, he loves to turn said question into a massive joke. Look, Bat book readers did truly love that character. She was realistic and well-rounded. Something really lacking when it comes to female characters. That being said, I am willing to bet that if her death had been noble and heroic, we fans would have accepted it. It wasn’t. It was sadistic. It was stupid. It was lazy. It was uncalled for. It also ruined another (and extremely important) character within the Bat books. I am not alone in thinking as such. Come on Grant, I know you love to make waves. Since you get to do some universe restructuring, can you just bring her back. Better yet, full on Skrullitize her “death”, that way the good doctor comes back as well.

Number 3 – A “Logical” Comic Universe

Yes, we are talking about comics here, we readers understand that. However, there still needs to be some form of rule as to how the whole shebang works. The whole 52 Universe concept was, um, “off”. I know you all wanted to have some fun and make all those Elseworlds books into variant Earths, but that does create a slight problem. Didn’t Mark Waid already explain that when he created the wholly terrible concept of Hypertime? I really like Waid, he is extremely talented, but Hypertime was a bad idea. However, going with this “logic”, each of the 52 Earths have their own Hypertime containing about 36 different potential timelines. So, if we continue to follow these rules, the DC Multiverse contains… 1,872 potential Earths. Ouch. That doesn’t make any sense and no amount of Countdowns can fix that. Fine. Now Grant, I know you’ve had a mad one to bring The Bleed into the DC Universe, which is fine. In fact, that could be totally badass. Just try and make things as simple as possible within a comic book world. Try this: Earth 1 (and the various dimensions within this 1st Universe), Earth 2 (aka, the Anti-Matter Earth), The Tangent Universe (a fun concept that could grow), and The Milestone Universe (yes, I liked that setting. It was fun). The Impact Universe (okay, maybe not this one), and the Wildstorm Universe. They can all know each other exist, or at least the more technological or magically inclined can know. However, it shouldn’t take a simple transporter accident or temporal treadmill to traverse said universes. How does that sound? Hey, while you’re at it, can you make some form of rules regarding magic? You guys ain’t Marvel, have some class!

Number 2 – Dan’s Heart Grow Three Sizes More

That snarky Editor-in-Chief, I’m hoping once Final Crisis ends and he finally has his fill of character killing, he will leave well enough alone. I know this is a pipe dream, but it sure would be nice if he allowed comics to be fun again. Well, that isn’t true. Comics are still fun and there is some seriously fantastic work out there. Lately though, I feel like I’m enduring my weekly read rather than enjoying. Not long ago I lost track of time as I read my weekly comics. Not so much anymore. If Dan can’t help but continue his Grinch practices, then I ask that Gail (Yea, Secret Six is getting an ongoing), Geoff, Grant, Chuck, and Matt (writer of the best DC book you aren’t read: Blue Beetle) to hold him down.

Number 1 – No. More. Rape.

Please? Can everyone at DC do their best to avoid the use of rape as a plot device. If you simply can’t help it, if this most horrible of violations is truly integral to your story, then please approach with some maturity. To be frank. Readers are tired of “My girl/boy/wife/husband/partner/self got raped, guess I’ll become a superhero to purge the horror and take revenge”. That is cheap and shallow story writing. Not to mention insulting. Anyone that made it into the professional writing world should be, by default, be above that.

Got all that Grant? Great!

Can’t wait for May!

*Geek in the City L.L.C. and their legal department would like to point out that Aaron Duran frequently talks out of his rather sizable ass and does not in fact know if any of the mentioned Grant Morrison qualities are true. Furthermore, GitC takes no responsibility for Aaron’s opinions, which are just that, opinions; protected under the 1st Amendment. (For as long as it lasts – England Prevails)!