>> COMICS > COMIC SOCIETY

What Is So Hard About Wonder Woman?

Yup, you read correctly… I'm about to delve into the world of Amazons and tiaras, if you don't like it, too bad. I've been enjoying the adventures of DC's third pillar in their “Holy Trinity” for years, and yet my ratio of enjoyment versus suckage trends worse than Frank Miller's hits versus suckage. (Whew, that was a mouthful. I'll try to keep my rambling train-of-thought sentences to a minimum in this rant…Damn)! Okay, so maybe you are wondering why I'm writing about every ones favorite Themescarian Princess. Well, like all things that annoy me, it starts with Joe Quesada. Not really, but I like to blame him for anything wrong in comics when I can't blame Frank Miller, John Byrne, or Dan Didio. (Dang, I can already see that I am going to make all kinds of friends with this one). Anyway, the interwebs are once again aflame with cries of sexism and outright masochism with a one-two punch of Mary Jane doing Peter's Spidey skivvies while sticking out her shapely (she is a model) ass and some (possibly, but probably) implied tentacle rape in Heroes for Hire. (When said villain does indeed have tentacles, does indeed impregnate people with said tentacles, and has three chest-heaving super heroines tied up and dripping tentacle “goo”… Well, I guess I'll call a spade a spade).

As is the case with most internet arguments of this nature, this one delves into one of two categories… 1) Most men who read comics are mental nitwits who want to objectify women and 2) Why must all female superheroes dress like porn stars? (I promise, this will all make sense in a minute). As much as I would like to take issue #1 to task, this isn't the point of this rant… And, truth be told, there is (unfortunately) some truth to that statement. However, that can be said for both genders, just in different mediums… Mind you, I'm not judging… Hell, I'd be lying if I said I never objectified a woman and if I didn't enjoy having it done to me (the rare times that it happens)… ANYWAY… Not the point.

Onto female superheroes looking like porn stars!

(That blatant phrase is just there to help my Google ranking with the nitwit fanboys).

However, it is a sad fact that most female superheroes do indeed look like they belong on the cover of Maxim Magazine. Now, I'm not going to spend too much time on the unnatural body designs of these heroines. The men don't do better in the realistic physique department. In fact, I'm willing to wager only about .00005% of humanity has the figure of your most average of superhero (JLI Ted Kord not withstanding). Of that percentage, even fewer can get into the poses of said superheroes. Now, as is often the case when such an argument reaches fever pitch, someone brings comicdoms most prominent female character to the stage… Wonder Woman. She is one of the few (and possibly only) female character that isn't essentially an estrogen clone of her male counterpart. (Yes, there have been great strides in original female superheroes, but in the eyes of laymen, Diana Prince is it). Wonder Woman is this enigma within the world of superhero comics. No one seems to ever “get her”. One moment, she is this completely powerful and independent character that stands just as strong (and often stronger) than her male counterparts… Then, she diverts to this out of touch ditz who doesn't even know how to pump her own gas… To then sway into a ball-busting man hater who thinks us dudes are nothing but disgusting sperm banks. Suddenly, she is the leader of an entire race of warrior woman… To finally, she becomes Superman with ovaries. So, what gives? Which Wonder Woman is the correct Wonder Woman?

Maybe a little bit of each. She has the potential. If only someone could “get her”. Now, I'm not trying to use this rant as a resume, as the extremely talented Gail Simone is taking a turn at the Golden Lasso in a few short issues. (Although I would never turn down such a gig). However, I think most writers are completely missing the boat when it comes to Wonder Woman. Such a complex character should be a joy to write. Think about it. She comes from a race of warriors that have no problem dealing out death if it is needed and warranted. Your own social views on capital punishment don't enter her views. Some people, in the heat of battle need to be stopped and if Wonder Woman does it with the edge of her blade or twist of her arms, so be it. Yes, I was one of the people that had no issue with Wonder Woman snapping Maxwell Lord's neck. Sometimes a person just needs killing and Wonder Woman is the only “big” hero in the DC Universe that can honestly get away with it and not have the reader gasp in disgust. (Shock, perhaps, but not disgust).

On the flip side, Wonder Woman was sent to “the patriarchs world” to bring peace. Although she can bring down the pain, it is generally the last thing she wishes. Even more so than Superman, she is the warrior with a compassionate heart. Wonder Woman wants nothing more than to teach humanity how to live their lives in peaceful coexistence. Yet, she always keeps that armor polished and that sword sharp. Then again, she is a queen. In every sense of the word. She rules an entire race of women that were long ago subjugated under tyrannical Gods, only to earn their own freedom through bloodshed and Spartan'esqu tenacity. Can you imagine writing a character that at one moment can see the beauty in life, only to make a life and death choice the next? Wonder Woman is so many a mythological goddess rolled into one bullet stopping hero. She is the hunter, but she can cradle and protect the smallest of babes. She is a vicious warrior, but her compassion can stop a killer just as effectively as her fist.

Wonder Woman is a pain in the ass to write.

As you can clearly see, everyone has their own opinion on which Wonder Woman is the “right” Wonder Woman. People love a Wonder Woman that kicks butt and takes names, but don't want a “ball buster”. People want a compassionate Wonder Woman that helps runaways, but they don't want some bleeding heart. People want a Wonder Woman that is drop dead gorgeous, but she better not look like a sex object. Perhaps that is the issue. Perhaps you just can't have a character running around in a bikini, a golden tiara, and a golden bondage rope and still be taken seriously. Maybe it is time to shake up the look of 'ol Diana Prince.

Maybe once she stops looking like a cheesecake pinup of Betty Page (Mmm…Cheesecake… Mmm… Betty Page) we can take her seriously. Now, the powers at DC have tried this before. However, it was in an era when many a comic book writer was trying to give female character an equal footing. Sadly, that often meant turning them into leather-clad vamps that read a lot of Ms. and need no man telling her what to do. Well, as none of those incarnations exist, it is clear that no one bought it. Changing a female superhero can't be done but just giving them a mohawk, tight black pants, and an attitude. (Except for Storm from back in the day. Damn do I miss mohawk Storm).

Why not go to Wonder Woman's mythical roots?

Look, I can’t stand the story within Amazons Attack. However, I can say that the look is dead on. (Go Pete). These are warriors garbed in the traditional Greek trappings. Sure, the legs are still bare, but ain't no one pulling their underwear out of their butt while laying the pain. So, that is a start. Get rid of Wonder Woman's pasties, yes, I know they are hot but we can all admit that they look friggen stupid? Can you imagine standing with the fully clothed JLA? (Damn, even Vixen and Black Canary have the good sense to keep their Daisy Dukes covered). Now that we’ve given her some honest armor covering those more sensitive bits below the waist, it is time to move on up the torso. Oh, that fabulous Wonder Woman torso… Subject of many a joke… Sure, she isn't at Power Girl levels, but one can tell she was given life by a horny ‘ol Zues. Okay, now that we're all done being letches, lets cover them bad boys up.

Yes, you heard me… Enough with the Wonder Woman cleavage! Look, she ain't bullet proof (hence the bracelets). She needs something to stop the wayward gunshot…or megaton death ray. Again, take from history. Craft her a modern and efficient bit of chest plating that draws from her Greek heritage. Okay, now we are getting somewhere… Onto the tiara that everyone mocks. You know what? Keep it. It is an iconic element to her look and she is a friggen queen. Her majesty needs her crown. Those bracelets? Again, an iconic element of Wonder Woman. A) they stop bullets and B) they are a reminder of her ancestors enslavement and all she fights against. Also, can we please get rid of the stupid high heels? Honestly. No one can fight in high heels. Look, I know all about suspension of disbelief, but come on! There is a limit. Look, she can slip on some sexy stilettos at the next JLA / JSA Thanksgiving Dinner, but when she's trading blows with Granny Goodness, the Prada gotta' go.

And finally… A little extra… Give her a cape!

What? Don't laugh… Come on, you know it would look cool. I'm not talking a Superman or Batman style cape… No, I'm talking about those bad as hell cloaks the Spartans went into battle wearing. Okay, so maybe it wouldn't be all that practical. However, sometimes you just do things cause it looks cool and I'm telling you now… A decked out Wonder Woman with a half cape billowing in the wind would look cool. Damn cool!

Hm, I've noticed that my answer to correctly writing Wonder Woman is completely superficial. Interesting, in my quest to de-objectify a female character I've turned her into an object. Not sure what that says about me. Perhaps just noticing that is an important first step in writing strong and believable female superheroes. Without resorting to very tired and insulting stereotypes. Maybe it does take a simple surface change to point a character in the right direction. To coin an extremely tired cliché… Perhaps the clothes do indeed make the man… and woman…

That being said… Come on Gail Simone… This is one Geek (and huge Wonder Woman fan) that is counting on you to knock this title out of the park! You killed with Birds of Prey, Villains United was the best mini in the whole Crisis event, The Secret Six was a flat out good read, and Welcome to Tranquility is one of the best new titles of 2007. Help Diana Prince rise to the position she so rightly deserves…

(Yes, this is blatant kissing up to a writer I adore).

Also, on the off chance that this makes it to the hallowed halls of DC Comics… Make The Secret Six into an ongoing series… Gail can do both… She's a true Wonder Woman! booyah!

/End of line.