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It Was Called Last Crusade For a Reason!

I try to avoid re-posts. However, current news of Indy IV really happening with all the players in place prompted me to place this article at the top of the page again... Just in case any of you think this is a good idea...

Ever have one of those days where you put in one movie and then without thinking, you put in another with a similar theme or actor and before you know it, you have a whole personal film festival going on? Yea, me too and yesterday was the day of Connery, Sean Connery. The path was simple: The Hunt For Red October, to From Russia With Love (I miss S.P.E.C.T.R.E.), to finally, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. During said viewing of Indiana Jones, the lovely Illusionaire asked quite innocently, "What do you think about the 4th Indiana Jones movie"? This led into a 30-minute rant of which I am still not satiated by and so I will forever immortalize it on this very site!

Worst idea since Greedo shooting first...

First off, let me go on record as to state that Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is the worst of the Indiana Jones films. Granted, being the worst of something that is so great isn’t that bad and Last Crusade is still leaps and bounds better than most action films. However, that does not stop me from becoming annoyed every time I watch the flick. I won’t go into too many details as to why I don’t like Last Crusade, however, I will give you a few points to ponder before you fill me with Joveto darts:

Marcus was not a feeble idiot in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Remember, he would have gone in Indiana’s stead had he been a few years younger.

Sala was the Middle East version of Jimmy Hoffa in Raiders; in Last Crusade he is reduced to a wacky sidekick in a fez.

Worst. Blue Screen. Ever. Ever.

Anyway, back to the point of this rant.

Indiana Jones 4 is a terrible damn idea! Every fan knows this, those who think it is a good idea are the same people who honestly believe that Greedo shot first and have devoted their lives to proving it. Losers. (Please, no pot calling the kettle jokes). Let me first say now, there was a time when I would have loved to have viewed a 4th Indiana Jones flick. The time in the mid 1990s. Dark Horse Comics had breathed life into the whip wielding archaeologist with some strong stories. With the internet still in its infancy, an official rumor traveled all the BBS and CompuServe groups; Indiana Jones was going to find the Spear of Destiny, thereby wrapping up the holy relics story arc and all the Nazi / World War II fun.

Too bad that didn’t happen.

So, if I was jazzed a for a fourth Indy flick back in the day, why now am I so dead set against it?

First off, the Nazis would not be the primary villain as Spielberg and Lucas have both stated that the film would likely take place in the 1950s (update, the story is now rumored to happen in the 1970s?!) and the big baddies would be the Red Army. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. It is good because Spielberg can’t honestly go back to making the Nazis a semi-dangerous pulpy villain once he made Schindler’s List. Not that there is a steadfast rule or anything, it just wouldn’t feel right. You can either make flicks in which the Nazis are comic bookish baddies or you make films in which you portray them as the vile humans they were. You just can’t do both. The problem with the Red Army as the primary antagonist is that the former Soviet Union never really made very good pulp style villains. The start of the Cold War effectively did away with the pulp genre and allowed for the birth of the spy genre. There is a reason why Doc Savage gave way to James Bond. A pulp film just doesn’t work past the 1950s. The pulp genre, for good or bad, can only exist during the short time period between 1925 - 1950. The only way the pulp genre can work outside of that era is if you create an entire world around the pulp genre, like Star Wars, which is a pulp setting, but in space.

Secondly, with most people being big fans of the wacky humor in Last Crusade us old school Raiders fans would likely have to put up with more bumbling humor between the Jones'. It was funny the first few times, but it just grew tiring to watch Henry Jones act shocked by his son or his own foppish antics getting Indy into trouble. In a way, Henry Jones was the AARP version of Short Round. (At least Shorty was able to cure Indy of the Kali-Mar and had a wicked spin-kick).

Speaking of old. Um, yea.

All members involved are just too dang old. I simply can’t suspend my disbelief enough to buy Harrison Ford swinging over a Jovetan pit with a whip while dodging poison tipped darts. Hell, Harrison Ford is only 12 years younger than Sean Connery and yet looks about 20 years older. Calista must be sucking the life from Mr. Ford, whereas Sean’s clean Welsh living is keeping him spry. (Maybe he is still benefiting from the Quickening).

Denholm Elliot is no longer with us. Just doesn’t feel right doing an Indiana Jones film without Marcus.

Finally, as a massive film Geek I have to go on record as to say that Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade must be the final Indy flick because of one simple reason...

The Last Crusade ended with Indiana Jones and his gang riding away victoriously into the sunset. Cliché or not, when you ride into the sunset your adventures are over. Period. Done.

Say what you want. You know I am right. Just deal with it.

Unfortunately, Indy 4 will happen. It will happen and it will suck like so many chilled monkey brains.

Until next time, keep your eyes shut.