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Merchandising Randomness...

You know, I've been a little under whelmed by the movie merchandise tie-ins this year. Of course, it could be that as a wee Geek, I was easier to impress, or maybe the imagination of merchandisers is simply getting crappy and shortsighted. The Star Wars toys have been decent even if I'm still not a fan of the usability of the action figures. (I still do and shall always feel that GI Joe has the most playable figures...can't believe I just said that).

It is unfortunate that the quality that went into making Batman Begins cannot be said for the toys. Dang man, those are some crap toys. To be fair, with the exception of the short-lived Mattel run of Batman figures, Batman toys have always...and I do mean always, been crap. Us Geeks didn't get any Land of the Dead or War of the Worlds toys and a small part of me is a little bummed about that. Not that I want fully articulated Tom Cruise mind you, but it would have been sweet to play with a three-legged Martian robot. (To say nothing of having a Dennis Hopper figure from LotD).

And so, your friendly neighborhood Geek wishes to help Hollywood by providing some toy ideas for the remainder of the 2005 film year!

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory –
I’m actually surprised that we haven’t seen any toys for this film. That being said, I think all the merchandise tie-ins for Wonka should be edible. I myself would receive extreme pleasure from biting the head off little spoiled Veruca Salts. Even better, Hasbro should tap more of their massive retro market by bringing back the Easy Bake Over – Wonka Style! Think of all the wonderful confections one could make… Easybake Gobstoppers, Easy-fizzylifting-drinks, and the more adult… Easy Butter-Gin. I just don’t want any candy coated Umpa-Loopas.

The Dukes of Hazzard –
Okay, I don’t want to hear any sly comments about a life size and fully functional Daisy Duke; that is beneath me and will stay there… I would love to have a life size and fully functional Uncle Jessie though! How cool would that be? My own private Willie Nelson! I also want to see officially licensed Dukes of Hazzard moonshine and Boss Hogg BBQ sauce. As a final Dukes tie-in, I ask the folks at Wal-Mart to play close attention… You guys could totally sell “Bo and Luke Duke” signature series rifles, bows, and pine scented Air Fresheners

The Fantastic Four –
What? Fantastic what? I know not what you speak of. I know there is some flick starring the Commish and the chick from Sin City. I don’t know anything about it being fantastic though...

Serenity –
Mark my words, these toys will be made up of repainted Angel and Buffy figures. Although it would be cool to ANNOUCE the release of a scale model of said Serenity craft…and then cancel the release.

The Brothers Grimm –
Great, a Matt Damon (Matt Damon) action figure dressed in tights and a breastplate. Like the inevitable toy release of Serenity, The Brothers Grimm will likely include many repaints from the wholly unmatchable Van Helsing. Not that we Geeks need new Grimm figures, we can thank good ‘ol McFarlane Toys for giving us all kinds of naughty fairy tale figures. Nothing like a Little Red Riding Ho…

Tim Burton’s The Corpse Bride –
Wow, this is going to be a banner year for Hot Topic. Two Burton and Depp flicks. They’re going to have to expand all their stores if they want to keep selling Nightmare Before Christmas and The Crow swag. Knowing the whorishness that is Hot Topic, there is NO IDEA that I can come up with that their marketing mavens have not thought of. None. Zip. Zilch.