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Nothing Like a Bloody Christmas.

As I am certain you’re sick of reading about by now, Halloween is my favorite holiday. However, that is not to say that the ghost and goblin filled day holds said title all alone; oh no, the great and cheerful Christmas stands proud and true along side Halloween. How is this possible you ask? One is all about the evil and the other is all about the good. Well, perhaps on paper this is the case. Nevertheless, when you pull away the Americanized layers of candy, costumes, carols, and gifts you will see their historical similarities. First, like it or not, both are a bastardization of ancient pagan holidays. They are, deal with it. In fact, very few holidays as we know them are true to their original intent or foundation. (Except for Festivus, this is still celebrated by the true believers… I have my aluminum pole, anyone think they can take this head of the Geek household on? Boo Yah)! The fact is, you can’t have the good without a bit of the bad and, yup you guessed it, you can’t have the bad without a slice ‘o good. Don’t believe me? Ask Clyde Lewis about Krampus and his demonic yet cheerful ways…

Which brings me to another tradition… holiday horror flicks…

As much as well-meaning but poorly misguided (and often joyless) “family” groups will try and tell you, the Christmas season has always been filled with a drop of blood here and there. Having a horror movie released on or near December 25 isn’t that new of a concept. Movie marketers long ago understood the nature of counter programming. That is, the release of a film that will grab a minority of theatergoers into the Cineplex while most schleps are having the latest (and completely forgettable) dose of sugar poured down their visual gullets. Note, this is also a reason while you will often see a sappy “chick flick” opening the same weekend as Sci-Fi, Action, or Michael Bay blockbuster… How else can you explain Maid in Manhattan beating Star Trek: Nemesis…? Um, don’t answer that one.

Anyway…

This year we Portlanders have not one, but two bloody choices with which to spike our Egg Nog. The first is yet another stupid friggen remake of a movie that didn’t need to get remade!!! Yes, I am speaking of Black Christmas. A film that many a horror fan proclaims to love but can’t really explain why. Well, let me tell you… You can’t explain why because the movie is friggen stupid. The only good thing about it was some of chokie bag-o-death kills were nice and the killer has a penchant for eating eyeballs. But seriously, you’ve seen one eyeball in the mouth, you’ve seen them all. I do remember Margo Kidder nuding up in the original Black Christmas, but, let us be realistic… That really isn’t a reason to see a film… Horror or not. Fast forward 30 years, and the Hollywood machine is again attempting to cash in on the whole counter-programming and “re-imagining” success of Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Hills Have Eyes. Both of which have done well enough to warrant even more sequel / remakes. (A sadder statement of American horror has never been made).

This new Black Christmas stars the usual WB, excuse me, CW cast of barely legal beauties… Most of whom you have never heard of with the exception of Michelle Trachtenberg. Yes, the film is rated R. Yes, one of the reasons is “nudity”. No, you ain’t gonna’ be seeing Dawn’s smooth Buffy either. (I feel dirty for writing that). How do I know if I haven’t seen this movie? Well, technically, I don’t, but, I know the image little Michelle is going for and there isn’t a nude scene in her future…for now… Basically, I am asking all my loyal and rabid Geek in the City readers to stay the hell away from this lame ass remake.

So, how will you get your holiday blood intake? Simple my friends…Simple…

Grindhouse baby! GRINDHOUSE!!! You read correctly, my favorite local film festival people (No, it isn’t Lovecraft, but that is for a rant for another day) are back this Christmas for a very special one-night only event. No one understands the heart of the true horror fan like Dan Halsted and the rest of the fine (though wholly disturbed) people at Grindhouse. On Saturday, December 23 at the newly restored The Hollywood Theatre, at 9pm Grindhouse will be showing a beautiful 35mm print of the 1984 classic… Silent Night, Deadly Night! While I could write some pithy account of this film, I think, instead I will simply steal from the Grindhouse site:

Gather round children, it's that time of year again...we'll hear crazy grandpa's tales of a psychopathic Santa, we'll see the cheesy montage scene, the gratuitous nudity, the sledding beheading, and of course, Billy's maniacal killing spree accompanied by the extreme violence and his cries of "Punish!...PUNISH!"

Originally released on Christmas day, this violent tale of an axe-wielding psycho in a Santa suit was promptly banned from theaters in a matter of days. Also a side note: Robert Rodriguez credits the crazy grandpa scene as being his favorite monologue in the history of cinema.

Likely, many of you never saw this wonderful and bloody flick in the theater. For two reasons, one, the movie is over 20 years old and most of us couldn’t get in, two, it was yanked from the theaters days after its release… It would seem that even in the greedy 1980s, the powers of purity could have a movie yanked. However, now is your time to bask in the blood red joy that is Silent Night, Deadly Night. I for one will be there… Finally able to watch this flick as it was originally intended… I can’t tell you how many times I walked by the tattered box at my hometown video store… Creeped out each and every time.

And, as if, that wasn’t enough! One lucky audience member will win a collectable Silent Night, Deadly Night double-bladed axe! How do you win? Gotta’ arrive to win my friends…

Remember, Saturday, December 23 at 9pm at the The Hollywood Theatre.

You can also check www.grindhousefilmfest.com for more information.