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Pirates of the Caribbean - Dead Man’s Chest - Some Spoilers

I was one of the earliest believers in the first Pirates of the Caribbean. I can remember hopping giddily in my chair within the Geek Tower at the early visuals. Undead pirates that walked underwater. A Phantom ship crewed by the dammned. Hell, this was all my D&D and Harryhausen fantasies brought to life! I watched the teasers ad infinitum, much to the chagrin of my better half, having to sit through endless shouts of "this is going to be cool frakking cool!" No matter how many times the non-believers would taunt me, Aaron; this is a friggen Disney movie. Don’t matter how cool you want it to be; it will be 'teh sux'. They didn’t understand my love for Pirates of the Caribbean. Some of my earliest childhood memories are of that classic ride. I remember tensing with real fear as the 60s animitronic Jolly Roger told me to "abandon all hope, ye who enter"... How tightly I clung to my mom as the longboat went speeding down into the bowels of a completely new and wonderful world of Pirates. Sure, the ride was showing its age, even 25 years ago, but I didn’t care. Pirates of the Caribbean, the ride, were pure escapism for a kid who lived for tales of adventure. And so, no matter how many times my adult friends told me the first movie would be terrible, I refused to believe them. That little kid that resides within us all wouldn’t let me. Thankfully, I was proved correct. Curse of the Black Pearl was exactly what I hoped it would be. Pure, unadulterated fantasy escapism... Never once apologizing. Every actor hamming it up and yet treating the material as 100% true.

The information regarding Dead Man’s Chest had me even more excited!

I could not wait. Could not.

Thankfully, I didn’t need to. Fresh off the Superman Returns premiere, I was at the screening of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest.

This was it! I was going to re-visit my favorite scallywags... High action swashbuckling of the highest order... Johnny Depp, once again, breathing life into his quixotic Captain Jack Sparrow... And finally, as if they had tapped my own psyche... A Lovecraftian sea Captain in the guise of Davy Jones! This movie was tailor made for me and me alone!

So... What. Went. Wrong?

It has been close to 5 days since the lights came back up in that darkened theater. I sat there, wondering what I was feeling. The critics around me slowly shuffled out of the theater. Each and every one of them mumbling what can be, at best, described as "meh". Expect for the Radio Disney DJs, they thought it was "wicked awesome" and "’da bomb"... (Does anyone say ‘da bomb anymore)? Still, I sat... I tried to let what I saw sink in. I should be jumping around. I should be joining in the typical post-blockbuster shouts of: "Did you see the part"..."Did you catch the"... Can you believe they"... "WOOOOO"! Nothing. Like Captain Barbosa in the first film. I felt, nothing.

Alright, let me get to the good stuff before I bemoan what went wrong.

The film is flat out gorgeous! The colors and scenery simply jump out at the audience. While us pasty Geeks in the Pacific Northwest are not known for loving tropical climates; watching Dead Man’s Chest made me want travel to the South Pacific. Well, not really, the images made me want to travel to the Disney version of the South Pacific. I’m okay with that, its all a part of creating a believable fantasy environment. Dead Man’s Chest does that in spades. Each shot is handled with loving care. From the hyper kinetic sword fights (of which there are many) to the slow rolls through the Firebug (yeah!) infested swamps of Voodoo Bayou. Again, fans of the ride will catch perfect little nods hidden within the scenes. (I found myself looking to the side during the bayou scenes, expecting to catch a glimpse of the Blue Bayou restaurant... Okay, maybe not, but that is how meticulously the scenes are captured).

The action scenes are fast, exciting, and are filled with the same over the top exuberance that fans fell in love with in Curse of the Black Pearl. However, I didn’t get the same sense of danger with any of the action moments within Dead Man’s Chest. I will never forget the stunning build-up to the ship to ship battles in Curse.. Dropping the anchor, watching the ship buckle and spin... Barbosa screaming at his crew to turn... Then, that few second pause before both Captains yell fire! To be sure, Dead Man’s Chest has the combat... But, it lacks the tension and giddy fun that was so apparent in Curse. When the Flying Dutchman finally does open up its guns (cool the Tri-Cannon may be), it again left me with a "meh" feeling. (Okay, I realize I am mixing the bad with this what is good section... Too bad). The poor Black Pearl is put through her paces this time, although she now seems to have lost some of her more sinister appeal that fans loved. This makes sense, since the Flying Dutchmen is the "star ship" this time out. Sadly, the audience is never awe-struck by the Dutchmen. When a ship crewed by Lovecraftian creatures burst through the waters like the USS Dallas escaping a Soviet torpedo; the crowd should explode in applause and cheers... Not a tired sounding "eh, cool". The Flying Dutchmen felt like a lost opportunity. I was hoping for more. I was hoping for mystery and menace. All I got was slimy barnacles and some wooden teeth on the bow.

Then there is the crew of the Dutchman. They are creepy and great, to be sure, and Davy Jones is a fantastic villain. Bill Nighy does an excellent job of creating a villain that is both evil and vulnerable. You get the impression that perhaps he wishes he could go back and change his choices in life. A few of Jones’ crew members appear a tad too CGI enhanced, but, that is only a minor complaint on my part. My primary complaint of the evil crew members is how others react toward them. Apart from their brutal savagery when attacking, no one in this movie seems to be creeped out. I remember these superstitious sailors screaming in terror at Barbosa’s undead crew. And yet, when faced with beings that will do more than kill them, the crew just treats them as any other boarding party... Never mind that they ooze barnacles and squids when you slice them open.

The acting is strong and Depp again turns in a fun and great performance as Captain Jack Sparrow. You can tell the entire cast is having all kinds of fun with these characters. I just wish they had more to say then a re-hashing of lines that were fresh and funny in Curse. Yes, many of the jokes have been recycled and put in the mouths of other characters. It is amusing a couple of times, but, when you realize this is the primary source of the humor in Dead Man’s Chest, it gets old. Again, a huge credit must be given to Nighy. It would have been very easy to get lost in all that CGI. Yet, Nighy turns in a stunning performance. He is evil, but torn. Deep down Davy Jones really does want to love again. He wants his one true love. Alas, this is not the hand fate has dealt him. Like many other classic screen villains, if he can not inspire love, then he will settle with fear! Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly are sufficient. There is nothing great nor terrible about their performance. I guess if your performance doesn’t truly add to the film, then not taking away from it is a close second.

I really, really wanted to like this movie. As the end credits rolled, I found myself experiencing what I call the Phantom Menace Effect. The slow fall from expectations that were not even half met. The movie is filled with great moments. Truly great ones. But, Dead Man’s Chest lacks direction and story. I know there is one in there somewhere, but it never gets a change to show itself... Yet another one-liner or sword duel rears its head. Choosing to make Dead Man’s Chest a cliffhanger was a poor choice on everyone’s part. These films should simply be the adventures of Captain Jack Sparrow. These films could have been the Indiana Jones of a new generation. (A quote I heard from a mother of a 12 year-old daughter when Curse first came out). Sadly, we don’t get that. What we get is a half-thought out plot and re-hashed dialogue that can’t be saved by fantastic effects and thrilling (though often needless) fight scenes.

Damn, I really wanted to like this one. Episode 1 type of wanting.

I give Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest 2 out of 5 Critical Hits.