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Rush Hour 3 – “Spoiler” Free Review

Why did I place quotations around the word spoiler? Um, because how can one not write a spoiler filled review about a Rush Hour movie? Seriously, this is a Rush Hour movie. That would be like trying to write a spoiler-free review of Beverly Hills Cop II… Same jokes, different ethnic groups. Look, I’m not judging, hell I laughed a couple times in all the Rush Hour flicks, as I did in the first two Beverly Hills Cop. Shoot, the wacky combining of two worlds within the world of the hard knock life of the streets is a time-honored tradition of storytelling… Who am I to say I’m better than that? Hell no I’m not, damn, I got home from Rush Hour 3 and saw my better half watching Trading Places, same idea, different world… Laughed my ass off. Are the jokes ugly and mean spirited? Yea, but at least I know it and can accept them… You think I watched Chico and the Man for the biting drama?

Course, Rush Hour 3 still sucks…

Directed by Brett "I killed the X-Men" Ratner, the wacky duo of Chris Tucker (his first on screen appearance in 6 years) and Jackie Chan take their Kung Funk hijacks to Paris, France... Why? Why else, those darn Triads are attempting to expand their criminal empire to the mean streets of Paris. (I guess when all road lead to your city, you’re just asking for it). You know, the Triads have been showing up a lot lately in pop culture... Hell, I'm using them in a comic (stay tuned for details... Yes, I can promote myself at anytime as I lack any shame)... Anyway, I think the Triads are becoming the new cinematic Nazis. See, they are all evil and terrible, but they look cool and are often snazzy dressers. (I know, terrorists should logically be the go to villains, but there just isn't anything sexy about them. In Hollywood, image is everything...even when you create a villain).

So, they go to Paris...

I just don’t know what to say. If you’ve seen the first two Rush Hour films, you know what happens. Chris and Jackie still don’t "get" each other very well. (Even though they are supposed to be life-long friends now)… Neither of them really likes France, and France sure as hell does like them. Actually, this movie is one long France v. America joke after another. It might offend some folks, but, seriously… If these jokes bother you, then you need to get some thicker skin and a life. It does pain me to see poor Jackie Chan in yet another crappy flick. Do people in America realize just how huge an international star this man is? How his films are legendary all over the world? Does Jackie Chan realize how much he lessens this well deserved titled every time he cranks out yet another crappy Hollywood movie? As for Chris Tucker... Um, he’s Chris Tucker. Just imagine it is 1985 and Eddie Murphy had his version of Gallagher 2, only louder... That’s pretty much Chris Tucker. I mean, he has his funny moments... But, he needs weird tube hair or Ice Cube for those moments to work...

Course, they lost me on the few real laughs...

And there is a couple, mainly from Yvan Attal as George the Cab Driver. He has some genuinely funny moments… In fact, he gets all the good lines. When the inevitable Rush Hour 4 comes out, as the audience eat up every single frame, I hope he comes back as an annoying Moon Shuttle pilot. (Yes, I believe the only logical location of a Rush Hour 4 is the Moon… That would rock). The film looks good, the folks behind the camera and the Director of Photography know how to shoot a scene. The fight scenes are fun to watch... Although again, the energy is lacking. Yes, Jackie's hyper gymnastic fights are a joy to watch, but they aren’t as exciting as they once were. First, no American filmmaker knows how to shoot a Jackie Chan fight scene. Secondly, the poor dude is 53 years old, how long can we expect him to pull these moves off? I will admit that the final fight on the Eiffel Tower is impressive... Shoot, I forgot to explain why all the above lost me...

Oh yea… Roman Polanski!

See, he plays a French police captain that, in that classic cop cliché, reads both Tucker and Chan the riot act... Then, as Tucker and Chan walks out of the office they make a... and I (sadly) kid you not… They make a "my butt hurts" joke! Are you fucking kidding me?! (I know, I try to keep this site clean... However, if ever the F-bomb was warrented. It is when expressing rage at a Roman Polanski joke regarding butt rape)... See, for those of you just joining us... Roman Polanski drugged and anally raped a 14 year old girl a little over 30 years ago. To avoid time in a PMITA prison, he fled to France and hasn’t left since. (France won’t extradite any French citizen to, well, anywhere, neither will Poland, which is another place Roman likes to travel). Now, most of the audience laughed and while I am not one to judge (wait, yes I am, that is exactly what I’m doing), I bet most of those in the crowd didn’t even know who he was let alone his buggery past… And, no one send me "he pled to lesser charges" crap... Don't care. He copped to and was tried for drugging and raping a 14-year-old girl. Period. Why Hollywood keeps giving this dick a pass is beyond me... I know I should move on, but I can't... I can't watch any of his films and I can’t enjoy anything he stars in...

So... Sorry for the buzzkill ending of this review... But, it is hard to enjoy a flick starring a child rapist.

Guess I’m just old fashioned that way...