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The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer – Not Spoiler Free

Look, I might be a comic book snob, but I understand the distinction between a movie’s story arcs versus the established comic book history. I was never upset about organic webslingers in Raimi’s Spider-Man; it made sense within the film’s established world. As long as the filmmakers maintain the soul of the characters, the movie will work. Batman will always obsess over his parent’s death, but will never cross the line that made him. Spider-Man will always be the underdog outside the mask, but a hero in it. Superman will never stop fighting for Truth and Justice. The Fantastic Four will always be about the all-American family that just so happens to have superpowers. As long as you get that right, you’ve nailed a Fantastic Four movie.

They messed up in the first film, how did they fare this time...?

Not much better, in fact the only thing that makes this film a sliver better is the co-titular character… Good ‘ol Noran Rad and his Silver Surfboard. Look, I know the concept of a genderless silver dude flying through space on a silver surfboard sounds lame, but Lee and Kirby made it work and dammit if the effects folks on FF4 2 don’t as well. Major kudos to both Doug Jones and Laurence Fishburne, together give the Silver Surfer a heart and soul. (Although Mr. Fishburne will forever be Morpheus and it is hard to disconnect the two). If Fox does indeed go ahead with a Silver Surfer film, I hope both stay onboard, I also hope they drop Tim Story like the dead weight he is, and may he take the writers with him. With the exception of Julian McMahon and Jessica Alba, the film has some solid actors… Even the lamented Ioan Grufford has talent when a good director sits behind the camera. If you don’t believe me, give Amazing Grace a viewing, you will see I am correct.

Can’t bring myself to give a “proper” review…

Instead, I suggest you pop on over to Memflix and Beyondfor an honest review. Not only is his review of this film 100% spot on, but his review got him fired… Check him out and show your support. Had his review been positive, Fox would have never forced this cheap and underhanded attack. (I’m sure I’ll get someone claiming he broke non-disclosure agreement. To that, I call foul. Pop on over to the GitC Forums is you want to discuss).

However, not reviewing the film doesn’t mean I can’t post some spoilerific train of thoughts that ran through my head as I watched this film…

1 – Kinda’ nice to hear folks half my age dropping the same pop culture references and movies lines as my friends and I… Although it might also be extremely sad.

2 – Damn, some movie critics are complete tools. Listen, it doesn’t matter who your report for, you still don’t get act like an ass to the studio rep. He has a job to do just like you. You want to sit with the other movie critics, then quit stuffing your face with Krispy Kreme and get there 30 minutes early… Like the invite says! Dick.
3 – Best line heard at The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer wasn’t even in the movie… Heard from a Geek 5 rows back during the opening credits… “Woooo, Super Skrull, the movie”! God bless the dorks!

4 – Speaking of dorks… Look, I know you want to prove your mad Fantastic Four knowledge. However, when you are competing with an 8-year-old from the suburbs… You are going to lose… Yes, I know, you gave the correct answer… I know the kid just regurgitated what he saw on the trailer… Just give in… It’s not worth the scorn you’ll earn from the bottom feeders…

5 – Damn, Live Free or Die Hard is going to blow…

6 – When did Dr. Doom turn into Donald Trump?

7 – Maybe John Byrne is correct… Sue Storm does kinda’ look like a prostitute...

8 – Speaking of Jessica Alba… You can’t brag about being a lone female hero showing young women how to “do it like the guys”… All you did was whine about getting married, then remind the Surfer of his sexy piece of silver on his home planet… and lay on a New York sidewalk, naked. Uh-huh… Way to role model…

9 – Only Kevin Smith is allowed to make penis jokes about The Thing.

10 – Do all Marvel characters have to dance now? Even worse, must the all dance like Tony Manero? Damn.

11 – Look, I know the idea of a giant purple planet eating monster sounds lame.. But, could you at least give it the ‘ol college try? The Surfer looks cool, you didn’t need to make Galactus a giant thunderhead cloud… Told you guys, he was Gul-Ak-Tus from that crappy Ultimate War series… Told you!!!

12 – Why was this movie called The Fantastic Four? Call it what it is… The Surfer and the Flame Man!

13 – A Dodge? Are you series?! The Fantastic Car is a friggen Dodge?! Come on!

14 – Thanks for giving Jack Kirby his props.

15 – How come Johnny Storm burns some people…but not others… Also, why can’t he die from falling when his powers shut-off… He ain’t Iron Man or anything.

16 – Finally… The Thing does not say “My Bad”… Ever.

Geek in the City gives The Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer 1.5 out of 5 Critical Hits… If only for the potential alone…