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The Omen Remake

Spoiler Filled!

Okay, so everyone knows but your friendly neighborhood Geek prides himself on spoiler free reviews. Not so much this time. Besides, this is a friggen remake, so anyone who cries foul will be beaten. Or worse, forced to watch this demonic pile over and over again… The Omen is Fox trying to make a quick buck on the weak hype surrounding the 6th of June, 2006... 06/06/06 is turning into a poor-mans Y2K... At least there isn't enough time for the California governor to take a machine gun to Satan again. Although, I found myself wishing for Armageddon once the final credits started to roll on this "re-imagining".

Might as well get this thing out of the way...

I walked into the theatre, proving that the quote "confidence and a clipboard can get you into anything"; I swayed up to the Fox rep and proudly stated: "Hey, I’m Aaron Duran with Geek in the City and Film Fever Radio". She smiled, wrote my name down and told me my seat was waiting. Sweet. Getting the stink-eye from the guard with the metal detector wand checking the unwashed, I strode into the theater... As I sat down, I found myself wondering: why the hell were they wanding people for the Omen? Mimicking my internal quandary, a perky reporter from a local paper asked me as she sat down, "Why the hell are they wanding people for this movie"? As if in answer, a fat dude with plastic devil horns and a disgustingly well-worn Sepultura shirt "WOO'd" from behind us. I hate screener crowds. The theatre lights dimmed. A preview for The Pathfinder was the first salvo against my senses. It took all my willpower to not break into the Spam song. Thankfully, I was in “there is a cute girl next to me” mode as such, I didn’t Geek-out. Next was a trailer for The Devil Wears Prada, which was made infinitely more entertaining since the aspect ratio was all screwed up and made Glenn Close look like a Hobbit.

Yes, I am avoiding the actual movie.

Alas, I couldn't avoid this film anymore. I've made my bed; it was time to lay in it. Opening at the Vatican Observatory (where they are probably still trying to disprove the whole "sun the center of the solar system" thing), we see three comets lighting up the night sky. A swarthy priest exhales and runs to another old priest. Hell, you know how this is going down. The Omen is about the friggen Anti-Christ. Final prophecy fulfilled, it is time to cut to a creepy photo montage credit sequence. A sequence which would prove to be the most entertaining moment in the film. If only because it was fun to see which names would morph into a 6 or guess which words containing a "t" would slip into an inverted cross…

You see, this movie is about the devil so they need to keep reminding us. Even though the inverted cross isn't really Satanic, it's known as St. Peter's cross...but, I digress...

I counted 6 inverted crosses, the cute reported next to me counted 7... Me thinks someone counted wrong... The film finally started, the plot began to unfold its evil tendrils upon a wanting audience. Okay, let me just lay out the plot right now... An American Ambassador swaps his still-born son with the Anti-Christ who will one day make war on man and God. Weird crap begins to happen around Damien. Anyone Damien makes eye contact with is hosed. A priest warns the dad, he doesn't listen, priest dies. Mom tries to warn dad, dad doesn't listen, mom dies. Photographer tries to warn dad, he doesn't listen, photographer dies. Dad finally listens, tries to kill said devil child, the Man kills him. Yea, there is more to this movie, but that pretty much sums it up. Besides, if you really want to watch this film, go out and rent the vastly superior original. Not only is it better in every measurable way, but, you can also watch how a real actor performs through Gregory Peck.

Yes, this review is over a page already and I only spent three lines on the film itself.

I suppose I should comment a bit on this film. Julia Stiles is the mother of Damien; in the hands of a more skilled actress I might have felt sorry for her. However, Stiles is so stilted and bitter in her delivery you find yourself annoyed whenever she is on screen. Thankfully, her on-screen time is relatively short considering she is a "main" character. Liev Schreiber, whom I am certain, is a nice guy simply never sells his internal torment at having lied to his wife and then committed her to die at the hands of Damien. Perhaps if Liev wasn't standing in the shadow of Gregory Peck, I would have been more impressed. Mia Farrow was adequate. When it comes to an actress of Mia’s caliber, I tend to rate on a different scale. Her extent of being creepy as the nanny Mrs. Baylock was limited to talking slowly and bugging her eyes out. Still, watching Mia Farrow freak-out was good fun. Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick played the five-year old Damien. He was fine, but, lets be honest. How much skill does it take to have black hair, not blink, not talk, and just stare at people like they just took away your PSP? As always, Pete Postlethwaite was great as the tortured Father Brennan. I found myself wanting to know more about his past. Alas, his performance was cut short by a lighting rod from a Cathedral.

This leads me to the death scenes.

The director did up the ante on the death scenes. It seems like they were going for a straight horror flick compared to the psychological dread that permeated the original. Sadly, when the audience laughs at your blatant CGI gore you have done poorly… Only the decapitation of the poor photographer generated legitimate shrieks from the audience. Still, I didn’t think any of these graphic kills were necessary. The Omen, like The Exorcist, is intended to mess with your mind. Upping the gore count is simply, in the words of the possessed Reagan: "A much too vulgar display of power".

This remake of The Omen just wasn't needed. Like so many other remakes it only exists to remind me how well made the originals were. With weak acting, unneeded (and poorly executed) gore effects, and a soundtrack that pales compared to the original. The Omen remake earns a…

1 out of 5 Critical Hits.

Be sure to tune into Film Fever Radio later tonight as Scott Dally and myself delve even deeper into this terrible film. And, proving we are not above cheap tactics, we will talk about the most underrated films about the devil… Be afraid.