>> RANTS > SEXY PEN OF THE NERDY GIRL

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better!

[The following is transcribed from a tape recording I found in Geekcave after waking from a drug-induced sleep]
Stupid little boy, did you think I wouldn’t find your secret headquarters? For too long I have watched your male ramblings on this page. Too long have I been subjected by your testosterone influenced ranting. Well no more bucko! I. Me. Joni DeRouchie. Director. Writer. Web Goddess. All around amazing woman is running the show! Oh, no you don’t… No waking up yet… [Undecipherable mumbling followed by a loud THUMP. That would explain this bump on my head]. Heh, heh, heh, there we are silly little Geek, back to dreamland with you. Now then, where was I? Ah yes. Time for a REAL top-10 list of the HOTTEST Geeks EVER. Unlike you easily amused men, we ladies need more then green legs and robotic boobs to be impressed. And so, I present to your "fans” a TRUE Top-10 list. Damn, he’s coming around again! Time to depart… Oh, he has a Wesley Crusher action figure… Not anymore! [More crashing can be heard on the tape. I wake up to find some of my underwear missing and multiple calls to 900 numbers. Gonna’ get you for this Joni].

10. Trey Parker – Pop Culture Geek
Trey Parker is the product of undistilled television and evidence that, while years spent sitting too close to the TV may injure your eyes, it will more importantly endow you with an endless supply of useless pop culture knowledge and thus ensuring a lifetime of witty cocktail conversation, Trivial Pursuit domination, and, if you’re Trey Parker, a chance to be famous drawing funny cartoons, making funny voices, and ripping off Cameron Macintosh musicals. Does that alone make him sexy? Almost. But add to that his subversive irreverence, lightening quick wit, and unique ability to bathe Gen-Xers in a sweet, warm wash of nostalgia….and the fact that he obviously has at least one foot in the closet… and you’ve got yourself one hot lit geek.

9. Chank Diesel – Font Geek
You might not know Chank Diesel, but you know his work. You’ve seen it on soda cans, cereal boxes, and bags of potato chips. Chank has the hottest job of all. Yes, that’s right…he makes fonts. Based in Minneapolis, Chank has established himself as the font king in design circles. He spends all day, every day lovingly and painstakingly crafting artful interpretations of the alphabet. He is the leader of a “font army”. And he looks like Kiefer Sutherland. Does it get any sexier?

8. Max Fischer/Jason Schwartzman – Brooding Stalker Geek
Brainy yet underachieving prep school boy who stalks a teacher while simultaneously plotting the death of his employer. Playwright and director. Disturbed egomaniac. Kite enthusiast. Founder of numerous school clubs. Wearer of blazers. And all of this by the tender age of fifteen. As for Jason Schwartzman…being of the Coppola gene pool, he’s got geek in his DNA. And manly, thoughtful eyebrows. All of which makes it easier to overlook the fact that he’s a drummer.

7. Data/Brent Spiner – Android Geek
Fully functional and programmed in multiple techniques. ‘Nuff said.

6. Joel Robinson/Joel Hodgson – B-Movie Geek
Come on! He plays with robots! And he’s clearly a huge stoner! And yeah, Mike Nelson is funny and attractive, but he’s all blonde and boy-next-door-looking. You just can’t picture yourself getting drunk and screwing in the back seat of a Chevy Malibu with Mike Nelson. Joel, on the other hand… Joel’s a nasty boy. You can see it in his big, sleepy eyes. There is intimate knowledge of the seedy alleys and backstreets of Minneapolis in those eyes, you’d better believe it. I gotcher invention exchange right here, oh!

5. Steve Burns – Mommy’s Little Helper Geek
It’s an interesting phenomenon… but there’s something about Steve Burns that makes the mommies swoon. Is it because he made our kids laugh? Is it because he got our kids off our goddamn backs for thirty sweet, sweet minutes at a time? Did OUR moms feel this way about Mr. Rogers? Well, Steve hasn’t worn the green striped shirt and khaki pants for a couple of years now (except in reruns), but he’s still out there, doing the occasional acting job and making adorable music with the Flaming Lips. He writes songs about quantum physics and superstrings and nanotechnology. And space lobsters. And love. Aww.

4. Louis Skolnick/Robert Carradine – The Original Geek
Back then, we called them “nerds”. But since the recent formation of the Social Cliques and Classes Consortium, the standards and definitions of the various types of freaks and outcasts have been revised and redefined, so we realize in retrospect that, with the exception of perhaps Booger, most of the nerds from Revenge of the Nerds were in fact geeks. And Robert Carradine was single-handedly responsible for altering the perceptions of high school girls the world over. After surprising sorority girl Betty with his sexual prowess, Louis made a statement that had us looking at those quiet, pocket protector-sporting boys in the back of the room in a whole new light: “Jocks only think about sports, nerds only think about sex.” And now he plays Hilary Duff’s daddy on the Disney Channel. Mmm… daddy…

3. The Lone Gunmen – Conspiracy Geeks
I’m counting all three of them as one. Three facets of one unique character…a little something for every taste. I’ve written about the sex appeal of the Lone Gunmen in the past, and always I come back to the same thing… one simple truth: They are three grubby men who never get any. Ever. And if they can be that passionate and devoted to a newspaper, think of how they’d treat a living, breathing girl who gave them hummers. Not only would they be enthusiastic and eternally grateful, they’d be more than happy to follow that girl around and hold her purse while she tried on clothes at the mall for all eternity.

2. Wesley Crusher/Wil Wheaton – Geek-of-All-Trades
A triple threat! Not only is he a legitimate dice-throwing, web-logging, techno-geekin’ con-star, he once played a geek on TV. Not only did he play a geek on TV, he played a geek on arguably the geekiest of ALL shows. And he’s now a published author of one book (soon to be two) about…you guessed it…being a geek. He’s got a brilliant and filthy sense of humor which can be enjoyed on a near-daily basis on his weblog (and his newly-added audio and photo blogs). And perhaps hottest of all, he will one day be the star of a major motion picture written and directed by me, complete with homoerotic subtext and full-frontal nudity. Aw yeah…

1. Fox Mulder/David Duchovny – Paranoid Geek
I’m a sucker for the subtle and understated. Nothing is hotter than a shy, quiet man with a barely detectable undercurrent of dark freakishness. There were shades of something a little bit scary in his slight smile, but you could never quite spot it – like a speck of dust on your eye that moves when you try to focus on it. It’s hard to tell if David Duchovny deliberately played Fox Mulder that way, or if Duchovny just IS that way, but either way, the effect was potent. Just the mere suggestion that he whacks it to Big Foot footage is enough to keep me up nights. For my money, it just doesn’t get any sexier than Fox Mulder