>> RANTS > FROM THE PEN OF THE MASTER GEEK

Babes From Back in the Day

Wow, who has been the major Geek slacker? Yea, your friendly neighborhood Geek has been neglecting his duties towards his peoples. Because I am sure, your lives aren't complete if you don't read yet another rant about how Lucas is the devil or my prowess at killing player characters... Well, you know what? They aren't! With that in mind. I return to these very pages with some scathing pop culture commentary... Who were the top-5 hottest babes of the "back in the day" Sci-Fi / Fantasy realm? Um, okay, so maybe that isn't so much scathing as it is sad... However, an important topic nonetheless. Just what counts as "back in the day"? Basically. The list will only be composed of any honey that came into fame before the Reagan presidency.Or, to make my elder readers feel even more dated. It is any program or movie that I couldn't have seen in an original run. What? It's my site, I can make up any frakking rule I want!

Let us begin:

Honorable Mention - Pam Grier - See, I feel like I’ve broken my own rules right out the gate. (Which is what we thieving liars do, you know). The problem being... Miss Pamela Grier first got this Geek all tingly we he first laid his eyes on her while watching a grainy copy of Black Momma, White Momma. What? Don’t laugh... Really, that movie is still the new hotness. The reason she breaks my own self-imposed rule is that she still makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Give Jackie Brown another viewing and try not to get all gooey over the primal hotness that is Pam Grier. If she doesn’t warm the cockles of your heart, then you’re dead inside..., a racist..., or both. Either way, you’d be a fool!

Number 5 - Brigitte Helm - There is something about all those silent film actress' that I find completely alluring. And no, it isn’t the fact that they couldn't talk... Well, no completely. (That’s gonna’ put me on the Geek couch for a few nights). Maybe it was all the make-up they put on them that made even the purest actress look Goth. Or, perhaps it was the harsh black and white lighting, giving them all a tragic appearance. Regardless, I find all silent film actress completely stunning. On the top of that list for me was Brigitte Helm. Although, I am sure that says volumes about me that I only found her truly alluring when she was all made-up as a shiny robot or creepy demon spawn. However, that would explain my un-healthy lust for the Borg Queen... Pretend I didn’t just write that and move on.

Number 4 - Carolyn Jones - Well, speaking of Goth. Ah, Mortician Frump Addams. (Yes, her middle name is Frump). I wonder if the people involved in the show knew they would be creating a source of pop culture lust for anyone who wore black finger-nail polish. It doesn’t matter how many different women wear the skin-tight, hip-hugging black dress and long black hair. They will all pale in the wholesome naughtiness of Carolyn Jones. She was the template from which all tragically tortured women take their cue. For that, we Geeks shall be in eternal thanks to Ms. Jones...

Number 3 - Erin Gray - Who would have guessed that a character named Wilma would be so drop-dead smoking hot? I often wondered how Erin Gray could breathe as she ran down the corridors, keeping up with the hunky Gil Gerard. (Although I was more of a Hawk fan myself). People like to joke that Jerry Ryan wore the most gratuitous of body suits in Voyager. I beg to differ my friends. Go take a gander at some of those Buck Rogers episodes. Young Erin Gray was swaying her space hips in silver Lycra when Seven of Nine was just a nannite in her momma Borgs Unimatrix. Just don’t watch too long. Buck Rogers was a God awful show. You know it. I know it. Just put on your favorite smooth jazz CD and watch Col. Deering save the galaxy...

Number 2 - Lynda Carter - Come on, you know you know the lyrics: In your satin tights, Fighting for your rights. And the old Red, White and Blue. Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman. Now the world is ready for you and the wonders you can do! This was a very difficult decision for me. Placing the young and supple Lynda Carter in the number 2 position was not easy. She had it all. Her big, beautiful, round eyes. (What were you thinking of, pervs). Her desire to help the common man, to do what was right. Her golden lasso that made you her slave... A lasso that compelled you to do whatever she wanted of you... No matter how depraved or degusting... Um...Stop a bullet cold, Make the Axis fall, Change their minds, and change the world. Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman. You're a wonder, Wonder Woman.

Number 1 - Nichelle Nichols - Well duh! Of course the perfectly gorgeous Uhura is going to make the number 1 slot on this list. Was there ever any doubt of that fact? The fact that even after 40 years men (and women) still make that "Oohhh" sound when they see her in those bright red bloomers says something for Nichelle’s place in pop culture hotness. I will be honest, it was a close one between her and Wonder Woman. However, something about Uhura and by default Nichelle Nichols that came across as stronger, bolder. As such, she will always win out in this Geek's books. Plus, Wonder Woman never appeared in a belly shirt and a big-ass knife... Nor did she wear Go-Go boots on a daily basis. Lt. Uhura, we Geeks salute you...and we always will!