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Creating a Geek Babe

Rarer then the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal and more coveted then a signed 0 cost Alpha Black Lotus card, the Geek Babe has been the Holy Grail of Geek dudes since the dawn of time. (Or, since September 6, 1966). Not content to count our blessings that we found a dame willing to date our Geeky selves, we hold out for the one that will share our pop culture obsession. Well, I’m here to break it to you. Most of the lovely ladies whom you will find will not be a Douglas Adams quoting, Monty Python singing, Revenge of the Sith line waiting beauty like Illusionaire. (Yes, that was some blatant gloating on my part). Nor will the majority of them be the Commander Riker* lusting, Zombie film obsessed, Trek skirt wearing Amazon that is Mistress B. So, what is a Geek to do if they are tired of spending lonely nights in the basement staring at their 21" flat-panel monitor playing Worlds of Warcraft? We must take a hint from the lovely ladies themselves. For centuries, women have been able to slowly mold men into whatever they wish, like so many supple waves upon the Fjords. We must do the same.

I am going to start you on your path, or at least one of the paths...

Before we begin, I feel I must make a quick warning. Most of what I am going to tell you will fail, miserably so. Also, I know that I mentioned a woman singing Monty Python songs above. Please note, the woman who can sing Monty Python is, perhaps, the rarest of Geek Babes. Even those who enjoy Monty Python will not be impressed by your ability to quote the Dead Parrot speech verbatim nor will they take pleasure in your Silly Walk. Rule of thumb: Do not risk any Monty Python quotes or antics until you are in a solid relationship, even then, do so sparingly. (Although, dang Spamalot winning a grip of Tony’s is really screwing with the bell curve, so these rules may change soon).

Anyway, back to the topic. Lessons1 - Converting your love into a Horror Geek Babe.

Creating a Horror Geek Babe: Not quite as tricky as you would believe and so is the reason I am writing of it first. As you will learn, it helps if said vixen you are attempting to convert already has a passing interest in the hobby of your choice. So, it helps to be dating a girl who already enjoys films beyond your typical Julia Roberts or Nora Ephron flick. During the early stages, I would recommend going back the classics. The Universal Monster Collection will prove to be a treasure trove of films that will allow you slowly integrate horror flicks into your love life. First, make sure you continue to drive home the point that these classic horror movies are just that, classics. Explain how these movies are just as important to the world of cinema as any Citizen Kane or Casablanca, just make sure you’ve done your research in order to maintain your stance. Granted, the early films of Legosi, Karloff, and Chaney won’t be a very hard sell. However, when the time comes you will be ready move on to more hard hitting horror movies.

The original Night of the Living Dead is the perfect evolution for your girlfriend. As the films listed above, you can and should approach the film from a more educated stance. Don’t simply pitch it as the birth of the modern genre of zombie films, that would work on a major film Geek, but if you were dating one of those you wouldn’t need this article. (Really, no one needs this article, but I like to convince myself otherwise). No, the way you impress and therefore convince your lovely lady to sit and watch Romero’s masterpiece is to bring up the socio-political overtones of the film. Intended or not, they are there and will not only trick your girlfriend into thinking you are smart, but will likely make her willing to spend a night of zombie fun with you. If you are extremely lucky, the flick will scare her just enough that you’ll have to console her...oh... Night of the Living Dead also works as the perfect transition horror film because it will dictate the path your horror viewing future will lead. You see, if she enjoys the film it will likely be for one of two reasons: 1) She enjoyed the mental tension and sense of dread the situation generated, or 2) she digged on all that blood, gore, and visual terror of watching a zombie munch on some poor saps body! Oh, and if she didn’t like the flick at all, well, you might as well stop reading and wait until I figure out a way to convert a normal girl into a comic book Geek Babe.

If your budding Geek Babe enjoyed the tension and mental dread that built up during Night of the Living Dead, then you need to move onto the more psychological horror films. You can keep trying to work the gorier ones, but it will be a hard sell. My suggestion for the more subtle horror flicks would include the classic ghost movie, The Changeling, sure, it seems pretty slow to our hardened tastes but there is no denying the slow build of genuine fear this movie creates. Often skipped by many horror fans because the evil illain is a truck, however, Duel is a damn spooky film and will not only make you and your girlfriend terrified of lonely roads but it will also make you appear even more learned to have "discovered" this early Spielberg flick. Although it just got the collectors edition treatment from Anchor Bay, so it doesn’t seem that rare anymore. However, Duel is still a wonderful film to show your newly created Horror Geek Babe the versatility of the horror genre.

If she got really into the gore, your options are greater, as is your personal risk as any woman who digs large amounts of gore is likely disturbed. I know this, because I can smell my own. However, if you are willing to risk it then you have many nights of throat tearing and abdomen ripping fun ahead of you! There really isn’t a horror movie you can’t watch; well, I take that back. Your more physiological films like Rosemary’s Baby or The Omen might seem a tad "slow" for the Horror Geek Babe that craves the constant flow of blood. A few good flicks to start with might include Dawn of the Dead (the real one), Evil Dead (although, there is one scene that tends to make women feel...actually, skip Evil Dead until they bring it up), and perhaps finally, The Last House on the Left. There are a couple of gory horror films your should not, in any way at all, suggest she watch lest she think there is something terribly wrong with you. Those two films would be Meet the Feebles and I Spit on you Grave. In fact, if she is curious about them pretend to be disgusted (even if you aren’t) and only suggest you rent them if she really wants to explore all facets of the horror genre. Trust me.

Once you feel secure enough in your new and improved Horror Geek Babe, it is time to move onto the granddaddy of all horror movies. The horror movie that will allow her to stand her ground in any horror convention against any horror Geek dude. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This film will appeal to both the psychological horror fan and the gore fan. The film is simply relentless. It is like having a wire brush scrape across what is left of your innocence for about 90 minutes. I know I will get some comments from folks that Texas Chainsaw Massacre is not very gory and they would be correct. However, never doubt the power of the mind to create terrible images, even to the mind that is numbed to gore. If your new Horror Geek Babe finds herself enjoying The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and cringes at the very mention of the Michael Bay remake, then your conversion is complete. It is time to live out your horror loving lives together in chunky, bloody love.

On the other hand, you can risk it all and try to get her into Role Playing Games...A topic that will have to wait until another time.

Until next time...Candyman, Candyman, Candyman, Candyman, Candyman!

*Yea, I know, he's techincally Captain Riker now...Possibly even Captain Troi, depending on who you ask. Just let it go, Geeks!