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GI Joe and Young Boys

Yea, this is a "morning after" repost. Thankfully, this is an all kinds of old article, so you may have never read this one. - AD

You know, I really should open this rant with a different title, not really looking forward to the type of searches people use to find this topic. Oh well, what’s done is done. (Not really, I could change it, but I’m too lazy). Anyway, as I was picking up yet another bottle of NyQuil (because I lack medical insurance, not that I’m pointing fingers) to keep this cold at bay I found myself drawn, as I often am, to the toy isle of the store. It’s funny how even toys follow a cyclical path. There, on the shelves were "new" versions of my old friends: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (I was a bit old at their heyday, but the comic ruled), Transformers (your friendly neighborhood Geek’s personal favorite), and GI Joe (and it’s cooler, but far more evil nemesis Cobra). As I was looking at the new Fortress Maximus (of which I have already taken as a band name, so back off) I heard a couple of boys talking about the GI Joe figures. In hushed tones I overheard, "He,he,he, they should pack Scarlett with the chick in leather cause then"… Unable to hold back, my chuckle spooked the junior pervs and they took off down the isle. Mind you, I wasn’t judging them (how could I)? I chuckled because I remember having similar conversations over the female GI Joe’s years ago…Ah hell, who am I kidding…I had that conversation last week. It went something like this…

Back in the "day", as the kids say, there were only three female GI Joe action figures. Two of them (Scarlett and Lady Jaye) worked for the Joes, the third (The Baroness) worked for that terrorist organization bent on world domination: Cobra! Please, no one email me and complain that I left out Jinx or the cute punker Zatara. I’m talking about the original three women in GI Joe. Which one the boy preferred when he was…um…alone said a lot as to what kind of girl he would look for once they no longer had cooties. I should warn those who do not know (or choose not to know) that all boys at one time or another imagined themselves saving said GI Joe character and thus earning her eternal "devotion". Well, in the case of the Baroness if was…um…I’m getting ahead of myself.

Scarlett was the All-American girl. Scarlett was the woman who dated the captain of the football team, but knew how to change her own oil if she had to. With her red flowing hair, and tight fitting gloves, Scarlett was the woman you could bring home to mom. The boy who dreamed of Scarlett wanted the white picket fence in surburia, 2.5 kids, and a job that granted good benefits and retirement at 62. Scarlett would be a loyal and true girlfriend, and although she wouldn’t take any crap from you, she would never give you cause to mistrust her. Unlike the next character…

The Baroness was Cobra’s chief intelligence officer, and like so many members of Cobra came from the European elite. It is fitting that the Baroness serves on the side of evil, as she is a bad, bad girl. Dressing in skin tight black bodysuits, she is often shown with a slim and sexy rifle and her trademark glasses. If Scarlett is the one you bring home to mom, Baroness is the one you make a video with and brag to all your buddies about, assuming she doesn’t bust your ass first. Rare was the image of a 12 year old saving the Baroness from certain doom, Baroness was the person you got when you were "careless" and needed to be punished. That brings us to the final figure boys would think about…

Lady Jaye was GI Joe’s most rounded team member. She was skilled in all forms of combat and spoke over six languages. With her short brown hair, mousy looks, and olive jump suits Lady Jaye was a favorite of…of…of that girl with the messy hair that insisted she get to play with you also. It was the same girl who didn’t date much in high school and when you finally got the nerve to ask her out years later she simply shrugged her shoulders, shook her head and said: "Poor, poor boy. I’m afraid there isn’t anything you could offer me, but you do flatter me". I never did figure that one out.

So which character was my favorite? I really shouldn’t say, as I don’t want to disturb any people who may read this…but… I always had a thing for women in glasses… Don't look at me that way, at least I left out the obvious Kung-Fu grip jokes!

And, now you know…and well…Knowing is half the battle!