>> RANTS > FROM THE PEN OF THE MASTER GEEK

Good to be Back…

Okay, so I won't bug you all with endless ramblings about how great my getaway was… However, I do feel compelled to write about just why Portland is better than Los Angeles…and most of Southern California for that matter. And, before you transplants begin to nail me to a post… Most of my family resides in the Golden State, so like being able to tell tasteless Mexican jokes, so too can I call out all the suckness that is SoCal and the greatness that is Portland! (Then, I promise to get back to important issues... Like, well, you know... Although I do have a plethora of reviews on the horizon... Hey, when you spend 33 hours on a train, you get some reading done)...

So… Top-5 reasons why Portland is better than Los Angeles… (Although there is no real order to this)…

5 – Hotter Women – Might as well get the most controversial listing out of the way first. I can already hear the screams from Leykis fans, well, too bad. Fact, the hot ladies in Portland are simply hotter... Oh sure, the LA women are hot, but they all look like window displays... Shiny and plastic. One good gust of wind or drop of rain and they crumble like a deck of boney cards. The Portland women just look more real, as you can actually have some fun with them... Bring me the hottie P-Towners!

4 – Strip Clubs – Huh, this one seems to go hand-in-hand with number 5. However, I will leave comments about the actual strippers alone. No, this is about clubs in general. See, in California the lovely ladies may not go the full Monty if alcohol is served. So, let me get this straight... While consuming mass quantities of liver destroying liquids I am not able to gaze upon the holiest of holies?! I cry foul! Look, leave the juice bars to the minors… Give me hot nudeness with a shot of Tequila!!!

3 – The Air – Okay, this is a gimme... The air in LA just blows. It’s all brown and smells a lot like Columbia River. The same goes for the water. There was nothing greater than stepping off the train in Portland and taking a deep, deep breath and then sauntering up the drinking fountain and taking a full drink.

2 – The Coffee – Dang, for a town that supposedly on the go, go, go... LA (and all of Southern California as far as I can tell) has the absolute worst coffee I have ever... EVER... tasted. I actually found myself looking for a Starbucks for a taste of something even remotely similar to the bitter bean. (Although, I did find it interesting how few Starbucks existed in SoCal). Maybe they just do a lot of blow to stay awake... Probably.

1 – The Beer – Dang, you know you’ve grown used to the great City of Roses when are shocked upon opening a menu and only seeing 4 beers listed: Bud, Bud Light, Coors and Miller Lite... With the only "fancy" beer being either Beck's or Heineken. The greatest brew moment came during on of our last nights in LA... Sitting at a bar I saw, on tap, some wonderful Widmer Hefeweizen... Ordered me the largest glass they had. Course, I got the strangest of looks when I asked for slice of lemon to bring out the crisp unfiltered flavor...

Ah Portland... I missed you so!!!

Turn in tomorrow when I review the fantastic novel: World War Z...