>> RANTS > FROM THE PEN OF THE MASTER GEEK

The Horrible, Terrible Truth

I’ve been really neglecting my peeps lately…both of you… No more, I promise, your friendly neighborhood Geek will get back to a regular ranting schedule. Unlike now, where I am simply stalling for time as I think of a way to open today’s column…

It was the afternoon before my regular game day (yea, I have one…Back off, so does Wil Wheaton, you’re all just jealous)! Anyway, I popped into my local game store, Bridgetown Hobbies, to see if there were any sourcebooks that would enlighten the gamer within. Alas, no… However, I did make an eye-opening yet earth shattering discovery…

Even gamer girls (who are, by definition, geeks) won’t date the gaming geek!

Okay, let me back up here…

To those of you who grew up in the shadow of Trek, or Star Wars, or Dungeons and Dragons you know of the pain of never getting the sweet love back in the academic days. However, to the few folks that might read this and don’t know what I speak of, let me break it down for you a bit. Geeks have this belief that the reason why we never got the love back in the day is that we were simply misunderstood (to say nothing of being greasy and a little unclean). We really thought that if we could find that rare girl that was into at least one of the dorky hobbies we had, then we would have found our soul mates and would slingshot around the sunset to be together forever. I feel I should make a little side comment here. While most of my rants can be applied to either gender, such is not the case this time. I know that women have the same relationship problems as everyone else, but the sad fact is that dudes will date anyone, as long as you get naked for us (I know it’s sad, but it’s the truth, deal)… Not so with you ladies. You’re a picky group. Anyway, that dream kept many a geek hanging onto some hope of true love for many, many a night, and sadly I can include myself in that group.

Until a few days ago.

Flipping through a book I was distracted by the shouts of a group of gamers barreling into the store. The group was split 50/50, three guys and three girls. The oldest one no more than 21, the youngest probably still coming down from her 18th birthday hangover. As is the rule with all gaming girls, I found them incredibly hot in their tattered fishnets and "don’t make me roll initiative" T-shirts while clutching a plushy Cthulhu doll. (Although they would probably only rank as average to the straights). The guys in the standard long hair, pseudo-beard, and black trenchcoat. (Ah, gamer fashion never changes). The girls began yapping about the last game and what they would listen to while playing tonight with the guys. They made little comments about someday teaching their kids to role play. Joking about needing a +4 to their Constitution in order to change a diaper (I realize that this is only funny to a small segment of people, too bad). They would compare notes on miniature painting, and if they should form a secret thieves guild club at college. (But not telling anyone, cause then it wouldn’t be a secret). I found myself drawn closer and closer to them. I kept fighting the urge to make a pithy gaming joke, or laugh at one of their comments in that "Oh, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but" way. I was strong though. I was beyond that stage in my Geek life. (I’m really not, but the horrible revelation came first).

All the guys that came in with the gamer girls were making a blatant but wholly unsuccessful attempt at flirting. That’s when it hit me. The awful truth. Even gamer girls find the dice tossing, Mountain Dew swilling, Monty Python quoting gamer a huge ass dork! My world came crashing down. Even these women who understood and even lived in the same world as I would have nothing to do with me. Even if I had found that girl back in the day, she still would have dated the guy who played in a band and was "really deep". (Not that I should judge, I kept my fingernails long, wrote bad plays, and read books on magic in an attempt to attract the hot Goth girls, with poor success). So where does that leave the poor Geek guy? I don’t know. I’m still recovering from this discovery.

It does get better though, well, for some of us it gets better. It all depends on what type of adult gamer you turn into. If you become the Wil Wheatons, the Vin Diesels (gaming’s new golden boy), or hell even me you turn out okay… Or, you become the basement dwelling dice tosser who still has his momma’ press his sweaters. Guess which one gets to date the hot girl with the fishnets and Cthulhu doll? Well… None of them, but it’s a start right?

Now if you don’t mind… I’m gonna’ learn to play the guitar and hope my 10 ranks in Performance will help.