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The Ultimate Geek Shopping Guide!

Ah the holidays. I must admit that I love this time of year, for me, the fun starts about October 1st and doesn't let up until my final vowing of no more all night Tequila fests around 6:43pm January 3rd. (It should be noted that I have yet to fulfill said vow). However, as I continue to live La Vida Geeka I am quickly growing annoyed and vastly disappointed at the supposed "Geek gift guides" that swamp various online pages and newsstands. Yea, like About.com or Entertainment Weekly really knows what to get the true Geek; (although Maxim gets pretty dang close). As such, your friendly neighborhood Geek has answered the call for a true Geek holiday shopping guide. Unlike my standard list from last year, which I still stand behind, I wanted to do something a little different. Geeks as a rule are broken into three monetary scales:

Livin’ in Mom’s Basement - Item costs very little.

Gots Me a Girl and an Apartment - Might have to cut back on the Dew a bit to afford.

Christopher Lambert - Um, cause there is only one... get it...Get it?!

Well, got me 15 gifts to ramble on about, better quit messing around:

4 - Gamer Soap - No, not for those reasons. Leave your unwanted stereotypes at the door please... Ahem... These soaps made by Willow are actually pretty dang cool. Every Geek worth his or her Kessel Spice had soap which contained a dinosaur or Yoda within. Try to remember that gleeful feeling you had as you both cleansed your body and charged your soul with hidden toy fun. These soaps from Willow will help you capture that feeling all over again, and as reported in some magazine that I never actually read a few years back... The ladies dig the scent of Watermelon and Cucumber. (Or, was that just general cleanliness)? Plus, they come with a free D20 inside! That is wicked cool!

3 - TV-B-Gone - True, this one pushes the arbitrary (though never mentioned) price level that I placed upon this list. However, the years of enjoyment you will receive from this little gadget is near limitless. The TV-B-Gone has been around for a while, but the ability to shut off nearly any television set with 17 seconds, and the rest within 69 seconds, (I said 69, heh heh) is just too dang cool. Think of all the fun you and all your Geeky friends will have next time you go out drinking and you shut off the never-ending sports programs most bars insist on showing regardless of the bars theme! (It’s just not right that an Irish pub shows basketball. Look, either play reruns of The Job or a Rugby match, but not basketball... Arse faces).

2 - A Towel - Cheap. Readily available. Thousands of uses. Anyone who reads this site really should know the various uses of a towel while traveling this or any other world. Obviously, you can dry yourself with one; however, it is the noble towels other uses which warrant its inclusion on this list. They aren't a bad pillow. Towels can be helpful in fights. They offer cheap protection during hyperspace. Most importantly, a well-cared for towel can wards off grumpy Vogons. (You know, as opposed to cheerful Vogons).

1 - A.C.T.O.R. - This is one of those gifts for the Geek that wants to give back, but can't find a charity that hits close to home. A Commitment To Own Roots is the first federally recognized non-profit group that exists for the sole purpose of helping past comic book writers, artists, and others involved in comics early days that now have little to nothing to show for their hard work. Its easy to talk about having respect for where the comic book medium came from, it’s something else entirely to show it. Although they accept any amount of donation, a mere 3 bucks will earn you a Hulk green wristband with Stan Lee’s world famous catch phrase: Excelsior! You can also help to organize an ACTOR event in your hometown. Show the love. Help the folks who made you the Geek you are today!

4 - A Sarah or Clyde Serenade - This one assumes you live within the greater Portland Metro area and can find either of these local luminaries at one of Portland’s many karaoke bars. This one also assumes you can convince either of them to sing for you. However, I have it on good personal authority that a one Clyde Lewis loves nothing more then to belt out the KISS ballad, Beth, to any sweet lady who asks him nicely. As for the lovely Ms. Dylan, I've heard rumors that a couple of Vodka tonics with extra lime will get you a powerful rendition of Fame by David Bowie. Okay, honestly, I have no idea if any of the above will work, but you can try. (My legal department also wished me to add the following: Geek in the City assumes no responsibility for any outcome that may occur for approaching either of these two wonderful people who in no way endorsed this segment).

3 - The Ultimate Geeky DVD Collection - Not so much one set as such, more like a sweet gift basket of some excellent DVDs that you simply must own. Being the giving season, you might as well get them all at once: The Call of Cthulhu DVD. A simply stunning and awe inspiring silent film created by the folks at the HP Lovecraft Historical Society. The fan favorite at the 2005 HPL festival, watch and you'll see why. Gamers: The Dorkness Rising from Dead Gentlemen Productions. Okay, so this technically isn't out yet, but that doesn't mean you can't slip a little note to your Geeky friend saying this is on the way. Better still; slip the note in a copy of the only good RPG based film: The Gamers. Full of inside jokes, cheesy one-liners, and a cute girl, The Gamers will warm the heart of any two-fisted Dungeon Masta! Ringers: The Lord of the Fans. While I liked Trekkies, I always felt like the viewer was meant to laugh at rather then with the people in the movie. Not so with Ringers. A genuinely good-natured and light-hearted look at the fanaticism that continues to surround the Lord of the Rings and fantasy in general. Finally... like you didn't see this coming: Bigger Than Jesus: The Diary of a Rock and Roll Fan. My own personal bias not withstanding, this freakishly well produced DVD is jam packed with material. To say nothing of the fact that the story is both funny and at times, a wee bit touching... In the good way.

2 - The Ultimate Gaming Table - This item can range from pretty dang cheap to horrendously expensive. It all depends on a Geek’s knowledge and skill of carpentry and their willingness to build one of their own. However, even with the mad skills a Geek is going to need the raw materials and the space required to place said table. Owning one assumes you can afford at least a two bedroom apartment, hence the placement on this section of the list. That being said, owning this stunning playable shrine to all things role playing is one of the greatest material possessions a gamer Geek could own. I first came across this table close to two years ago and still its construction eludes me. Not that I can't figure it out, no, I simply lack the room to pull it off. But, mark my words, that day will come... As will the optional overhead projector PowerPoint mapping system. Hells yea!

1 - A Trip To... - With the exception of George Lucas (and Peter Jackson, although I feel dirty for lumping them together) most of your favorite Geek film and television locations can still be visited if you are just willing to do the homework. Few Geeky gifts say "I love you" like a trip to a Geek’s personal Mecca. Want to create your own little mission to strange new worlds? Vasquez Rocks National Park is a simple trip to sunny Southern California, while you're there, pop on over to Griffith Park and hang out in Adam West’s Batcave. (Also know as the final resting spot of Ash in the Directors Cut of Army of Darkness). can't pull off LA? Then try New York, be sure to stop at the corner of North Moore and Varick Streets and have your picture taken outside the Ghostbusters headquarters. Sure, the sign is gone, but the memories remain. While there, stay at the Algonquin Hotel, 59 West 44th Street, Slimer's one-time home and haunt!

4 - 24 hour job switch with Ms. Conner - Who is Ms. Conner you ask? Well, assuming I remember the name correctly (and said woman still works there) Ms. Conner is the keeper of the keys to Paramount’s Star Trek Prop room! Think of all the full on dork fun you could have with just a few hours of Geek heaven! My mind boggles at the idea of... of... Come to think of it, I really shouldn't say what I would do in that room. (No, not that). However, the level of pure Geekiness I would attain is so great that I shudder to even mention it here, the Elysium of Geek culture.

3 - Dinner with the DMs - Of all the ones on this Christopher Lambert list, number 3, while unlikely, is the most possible. You see every gamer wishes for the chance to sit down with the legends of gaming. One from each era: Monte Cook, the modern marvel. Ed Greenwood, lord of the Forgotten Realms. Finally, the granddaddy of them all, a one Gary Gygax. I don't really know what we would talk about. Actually, I do, there wouldn't be much talking. There would just be a painful amount of Chris Farley moments where your friendly neighborhood Geek (and anyone else) would just say stuff like: "Hey Gary, remember when you wrote that adventure with that red dragon...that was cool." Then followed up with: "Do you guys still play Dungeons and Dragons? Yea, me too, awesome." Come to think of it, maybe this wouldn't be that great of a gift. Ah, who am I kidding? This would rock!

2 - Jam with Shatner - You bring your guitar, Bill brings his bongos and together you put on the greatest, most sublime concert the likes of which the modern musical world has never seen. As we all know Shatner is an incredibly diverse musician, having long ago conquered the world or rock, folk, and hip-hop the responsibility would fall to you; the lowly Geek to step-up. I for one look forward to the day that a one William Shatner and Aaron Duran sing the classic duet: To All The Girls I've Loved Before. Gold. Musical gold.

1 - Keys to the AFI vault - This may not seem like much. However, think of the legendary status a Geek who entered these hallowed halls would attain. Why, you ask? Quite simple my young Padawans. You see, much to the flannelled one's chagrin, within the film vaults of AFI exists three pristine and original copies of the Holy Trilogy. Yes, you read correctly. The AFI film vaults contain one of the world’s only versions of non-Special Edition Star Wars films. If it were up to George Lucas, these too would be destroyed. Thankfully, it is not. Sadly, AFI isn't allowed to do anything with them. But, just think of what the resourceful Geek would do with those copies. Short-sighted is the Geek who thinks of Ebay. Oh no, a true Geek would do the only thing worth doing. Giving these classic childhood films a fighting change to live. He or she would take said films. Restore them to their original state. Then, taking them to a trusted digital authoring studio; have the once great and wonderful Star Wars Trilogy pressed into pristine DVD. No CGI Jabba. No extra Stormtroopers. No dance numbers. No young God damn Anakin Skywalker! There would indeed be balance to the Force.

Well, there you have it. The ultimate Geek holiday guide. However, I would be remiss (and Jenn would kill me) if I didn't mention one more excellent place to shop for the Geek in your life:

Why, the Geek in the City swag shop! Pop culture apparel for the discerning dork! (You should know by now that I have no shame at all... none).