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FROM THE PEN OF THE MASTER GEEK
The Wormiest of the Worms Aaron Duran
Let us see now... Long break in posting, check. An excuse about being extremely busy, check. Currently lacking an idea worth delving into detail upon, check. Looks like your friendly neighborhood Geek is go to go on yet another top-5 list! And what, pray tell, is to be the focus of said top-5 list? Glad you asked:
The top-5 wormiest villains in pop culture.
Everyone does the most ruthless villain, the coolest villain, even the deadliest villain. However, it takes a certain something to be the wormiest villain. It is a fine line between deadly and inept that very few pop culture villains are able to walk. Without further ado, let us begin with the honorable mention:
Boss Hogg - The Dukes of Hazzard The real Boss Hogg, not the creepy and svelte Burt Reynolds version. In fact, my use of the word svelte in the conjunction with Boss Hogg should remove all though of that Knoxville knock-off. (Yes, I have waited months for the opportunity to use that phrase). Boss Hogg was that loud-mouthed bully we all had to out up with in school. He walked big, but was never able to back it up once we Geeks grew even the smallest of backbones and got back in his fat face. Boss Hogg was the perfect amalgamation of every ugly Southern stereotype us Northern folk could image. For all his wormy schemes though, he made a mean plate of ribs.
5 - Starscream - The Transformers
Give me a chance to explain before you toss me into Unicorns gullet. Sure, we all know Cobra Commander voiced him and he is constantly scheming behind Megatron; but that does not change the fact that Starscream is a wormy coward. In fact, I do believe he backed down from Bumblebee once, and my own love for the VW 'bot notwithstanding, that is a pretty wussy thing to do. The newest crop of Transformer Geeks get the current incarnation of Starscream. The one with the indescribable spark and largest action figure on the shelves. But we adult Geeks (a term I use loosely) remember the whining Starscream who was just a red version of Thundercracker.
4 - Grima Wormtongue - The Lord of the Rings
While I can't be certain, Grima Wormtongue may have been the source of the use of the adjective, wormy. It is hard to completely hate the thrall of Isengard. Like many pitiable characters, Wormtongue’s villainy is born out of unfulfilled love and acceptance. Still, his conniving ways almost wrested control of Rohan for the forces of darkness. Had he stood his ground once caught and bested, Wormtongue may not have made this illustrious list. However, being the ever-rotten apple-polisher, Grima ran to the tarnished white robes of Saruman.
3 - Baltar - Battlestar Galactica
Again, the real Battlestar Galactica, not the "sexy Cylons in space" version. Ah, the betrayer of Kobol. Baltar cuts deals with anyone and everyone, so long as it benefited him. Although a villain who is able to lie and cheat effectively can often engrain themselves to the audience, there was something about Baltar that made you feel dirty. He had a grin that made you think about daddy’s cold, cold sheets. I remember being glad once Baltar was taken out and joined the great 13th colony in the sky. He would, however, live on in infamy as Geeks the world over would cry about being "baltared" whenever someone stabbed them in the back. Example: "Friggen Richard Hatch, he baltared the faithful"!
2 - Belloq - Raiders of the Lost Ark
"Dr. Jones. Again we see there is nothing you can possess which I cannot take away."
"You and I are very much alike. Archeology is our religion, yet we have both fallen from the pure faith. Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am but a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me. To push you out of the light."
"Next time, Indiana Jones, it will take more than children to save you."
"What a fitting end to your life's pursuits. You're about to become a permanent addition to this archaeological find. Who knows? In a thousand years, even you may be worth something".
"How odd that it should end this way for us after so many stimulating encounters. I almost regret it. Where shall I find a new adversary so close to my own level?"
‘Nuff said.
1 - Peter Lorre - The Maltese Falcon, et. all:
Not so much one character in particular, Peter Lorre gave rise to the wormy villain. Rarely the head of a villain’s organization, Peter Lorre often played characters that enjoy the manipulations that only a wormy right-hand man can provide. Peter Lorre's memorable voice, appearance, and mannerisms have cemented themselves into the pop culture landscape. Peter Lorre has been impersonated on Looney Tunes and was the partial inspiration for Ren. Even today Peter Lorre’s distinct characteristics have made appearances in films as recent as the Corpse Bride. Lorre's skills as the ultimate wormy villain has insured he will live on long after lesser pop culture villains pass on.
Monday December 5, 2005
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