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They Still Don’t Get It

It has been some time since I first claimed that Hollywood Doesn’t Get It and recent trends in the home video market has inspired your friendly neighborhood Geek to pen a follow-up. Like so many older industries, the mainstream Motion Picture industry is slow to change, yet were fast to knee-jerk to the rising “threat” of online movie piracy. Their first salvo in the Pirate Wars (which I really hope it is called someday) was to attack various Bit Torrent sites while simultaneously shooting a series of videos intended to make the would be pirate or supporter feel guilty. Neither of them worked. The creators behind the various Bit Torrent sites are, by default, a crafty group and no suit in Hollywood will ever be able to catch of all them. (Since I am willing to bet their digital security folks have their hand in the Torrent sites anyway).

The videos don’t work because they are a joke. The first crop showed Grips and Gaffers begging the audience not to steal, since it will cost them there jobs, forcing their children to sell Oranges on the corner of Alhambra and Covina. This isn’t all that realistic, since I don’t think Tom Cruise could light a darkened hall, let alone film set. The day Grips and Gaffers are out of work is the day the industry itself folds and no one works. The second group failed because they tried to be “hip and extreme”. Trying to guilt the MTV Generation. Attention dumb CEO’s of the world… The MTV Generation has no guilt, why do you think reality shows are so popular? With both these tactics a failure, what does Hollywood do next in order to increase movie profits? Taking a queue from the cliché, being that they can’t beat them… They join them.

Too bad that sucks too…

Although sites like Movielink have been providing movies for download for a few years, it has only been with the last month that the major studios have jumped onboard. King Kong and Brokeback Mountain are the two films the studios are using to test the digital water. Both films cost an average of $25.00 to download. I won’t comment on the time it takes to download the films, that is simply the nature of the internet until speeds improve. Although these sites do need to improve their reliability if they have any hope of maintaining customers. (King Kong failed to complete its download 3 times, adding hours to an already extremely long download time, on broadband). Both films had a strong showing during their “online premiere” and the major studios have claimed a victory against the scourge of online piracy. Foolishly, they believed that all they had to do was present their films online and people would flock to this legal opportunity. They should savor this victory, as it will be very short lived.

Why is that?

Well, it isn’t the long download time. Ask any Bit Torrent user (not that I know any, of course) and they will tell you that long download times never distract them. As such, it will likely not dismay any legal downloader either. In part, it will be the price that will keep most consumers away. 20 – 30 bucks for a movie is a lot to ask from an audience that is used to swinging by their local Target on their way home and buying a new release for $15.99, with a mail in rebate to boot! Even worse, these downloadable films don’t come with anything besides the film itself. No extras. No deleted scenes. No commentary. No featurettes. No 10-minute Cooking Schools! Nothing. What is the point of that? Ask any film buff, even the most passing, and they will tell you that the greatest attribute to the DVD format is all the extras you get. Most audience members love to learn more about their favorite films. Shoot, we like knowing more about films we can barely tolerate, even loathe. As I claimed on the first Film Fever Radio show (no shame), I will likely buy the Extended Version of King Kong. I want to know about the filming process. Movies may be a passive medium but we viewers still like to feel like we are a part of the action, if even in a small way. Having a director speaking to us, however indirectly adds to that feeling.

But wait, there’s more…

…Of the suck. Okay, let’s say you did buy the online version of your favorite film. Time to sit down on your favorite comfy couch and take in the cinematic glory of the moment. Well, unless you downloaded the film on your laptop or happen to have a couch connected to your PC, you are out of luck. Yup, that is correct. These films can only be watched on your Windows XP Media Player. Owing to code written into the movies before they are downloaded, they are only viewable on a fraction of systems and players. The above mentioned Windows Media Player, a player known for its reliability, stunning sound, and video qualities. Uh-huh. If you own a MAC or Linux machine, you are out of luck. As are all you people who like all your online movies in that pristine HD QuickTime format. No movies for you! Fine, just burn the movie with your shiny new DVD-R drive, plop it into your region free DVD-R readable player and enjoy the show. No, not so much there either. These new crops of downloadable movies cannot be ripped onto a DVD. Yes, you heard correct… The 1+ gig of film you just spent hours and hours downloading can only be viewed on your small monitor with your pathetic speakers that came with the system. Yes, I know some people have cinema monitors and surround sound on their PC… Well, those are hardcore gamers and I can guarantee they already have the movie from a Bit Torrent site. So, let us recap what Hollywood claims will end the online Piracy Wars: Long download time. $20 - $30 a pop. No extras. No good sound and/or video. Can’t watch on TV. Can’t burn to DVD. Yea, that will work. Good call guys!

What will work?

Well, trying not to sound like a broken record, but the best way for Hollywood to stop losing money is to stop creating crap. We will watch quality. Over and Over again. Although, I have bad news for you. Folks who are so inclined to download movies illegally will continue to do so. However; and here is the thing Hollywood can’t figure out yet… But I, your friendly neighborhood Geek will let you in on… Those people who download movies… They will also keep buying the movies as well. We like having bootleg and official copies. That is just the honest to God truth! All is not gloom and doom though. There is one production company that is getting it right. No shock that it is the company that is known for doing what the fans want and on the cheap…

Enter Troma Films!

Leave it to Lloyd Kauffmann and his gang of Toxic Avengers, Zombie Chickens, and flesh east Zombie Penises to be on the cutting edge of legally downloadable films. Sure, Troma may not be considered to be mainstream by the powers that be, but I can assure you… The same crowd who would love to download all their movies is also the same crowd who loves a good Troma gore-fest a-go-go! Partnering with EZTakes, Troma films will offer a wide selection of their films for download. Knowing their audience better then any focus group could ever hope to know. EZTakes and Troma will make the entire DVD available for download. Not only can you legally download Tromeo and Juliet, but you also get to download all the extras that we film buffs know and love. But wait, there’s more! EZTakes and Troma will only charge their consumers $1.99 - $7.99 per movie. Finally, unlike the visionless suits in Hollywood; Troma and EZTakes will allow consumers to burn their movie to a blank DVD upon download. Some people may be screaming, “Dude, that will allow people to go right back to pirating DVDs”. Not really, while not perfect, EZTakes has developed a code that imprints the owner’s identity upon their movie. If you rip it again, it will show up and the game is up. Hollywood should take notice, EZTakes sales have sky-rocketed since they allowed consumers to burn their films to DVD.

Who knows what the future holds for true movies on demand. It is likely that in time all movies will be available for legal download. However, it is going to be a bumpy road. Until Hollywood wises up and offers all the toys that come with owning a DVD and allow us to watch it from the comfort of our living room, we will spurn their new online services. Oh, and stop producing crap!

Tune in next time when I begin my profiles of local independent theatres within Portland, starting with the Hollywood Theatre… And, on Friday over on Film Fever Radio. I will review The Notorious Bettie Paige, Scott will review the newest Jim Carrey DVD and together we will talk about the most groundbreaking moments of sex on film…

GeekintheCity.com and FilmFeverRadio.com…What more could you want!?