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Universal Geek Truths

With the Goonies 20th anniversary just around the corner I had planned to write a heartfelt and Rockwellian jaunt down memory lane. Alas, with the familia Geekia coming to visit this weekend your friendly neighborhood Geek has not had a great deal of time. However, in my various wanderings in the city I find myself being reminded of a few universal Geek truths...

*So here they are:

10 out of 10 Geeks, regardless of gender, can quote all of the Holy Trilogy
6 out of 10 Geeks make a pretty good Emperor.
3 out of 10 Geeks make a pretty good Chewbacca.
1 out of 10 Geeks actually KNOW what Chewie is saying, and no, I am not one of them!

A Geekette’s age can be determined by which female figure they believe to be the most badass:
0 - 25: Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
26 - 29: Xena - Warrior Princess
30 and up: A straight tie between Ellen Ripley and Sarah Conner.
Interestingly enough, most dudes will almost universally choose Ripley over Conner.

Every Geek can hiss like the Alien Queen and whether they want to admit it or not has done so, while only a rare few can make that Predator purr sounding thing.

Most Geeks can only sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger when quoting Terminator or Predator. Otherwise, they end up sounding like Mike Myers doing Sprockets.

Every Dungeon Master, again regardless of gender, has spoken to their players as if he/she is Emperor Palpatine, some secretly spending days in front of a mirror to get the face just right.

Upon waking and looking like Bantha Poodoo do to a hangover and being taunted, every Geek has mumbled: “When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not.” Then collapsing.

Regardless of the situation, who they are with, or what they are talking about... If someone says “Impressive” within earshot any Geek worth their Flash Drive will reply either openly or in their head... “Most impressive”. (This falls under the “don’t call me Shirley” law).

Sadly, most Geeks under 30 think the term “Frag” came from Doom...

Aria: Canticle of the Monomyth is still the most pretentious and difficult role playing game of all time. Ever. Ever. Really. Period. (I wish I still had a copy).

No Paranoia gaming group has ever made it past the adventure that came with the box set. Those that say they did are lying... This can almost be said about the original Tomb of Horrors, almost.

While total and complete dismemberment can be fun, most Geeks agree that only a bullet to the head will drop a Zombie for good. (Taking them out Highlander style works as well).

Speaking of which, it is far more satisfying to victoriously claim “there can be only one” instead of “owned”. after a victorious round of Deathmatch.

There are some damn fools who think Darth Maul could actually BEAT Darth Vader. Whatever!

After too much sugar and too little sleep Geeks will argue about who really destroyed the second Death Star... Lando or Wedge... To say nothing of the group that feels it was Palaptine’s exploding dark force that took it out.

This often leads to late night conversation rules: No politics, no religion, no Jedis, and no Star Trek versus Star Wars.

Most Geeks can read one or more of the following: Elven (Tolkien variety), Drow, Dwarven (again, Tolkien), Klingon, or the Aurabesh.

Deep down, gamers really did wish that TSR stood for To Satan’s Realm. We always felt hosed by the metal folks getting all the cool acronyms.

Well, there you have it... If you have more... Feel free to add to the list... Or, tell me I’m insane...

*These observations made with the complete lack of scientific fact or support.